Saturday, January 13

Of Cleanliness and Kabbalists

Before y’all start jumping to conclusions I just want to pre-empt your natural assumptions by saying that my house is clean.
It’s really very clean.
I just don’t do it myself, that’s all.
In fact, every time I see something requiring elbow grease, I hear a voice shrieking,
“Kasamba! Step away from the filth! NOW”
I do my best to listen to that voice.

The way I look at it, is that I am definitely overqualified to wash, scrub and scour.
When I first got married, I thought nothing of dumping my handbag and coat on the kitchen counter in case I would need it later, or the next day. Mr Kasamba took this lack of tidiness as a personal affront to him and his entire bloodline. Therefore, I did train myself to pander to his peculiar need, but as far as the rest, well it didn’t mean that much to me.
The way I explained it to him was,
Hey, ya want it clean, but I ain’t gonna do it so I guess you is gonna have to hire someone, huh?”
I know, I know I am just so…refined.

I love my cleaning help.
I have them in mind every time I light Shabbos candles.
I love how I can cook like Hurricane Katrina and the kitchen will be spotless before you can say, 'damaged drinking water'.
So you could say I’m relaxed in the cleaning area.

Now for the Kabbalist part.
As you already know, I am a Rebbe follower and I love the idea of going to get Brochos from people who are many steps closer to Hashem than I am. So, when I saw an ad in the local paper about a Rav who specialised in the Kabalistic art of Chachmas Hayad, (reading hands) I thought,
“Oh, yeeeeeaaaah! Gotto go to him!”
I immediately called up and booked an appointment. Then, I forced poor Mr Kasamba after a long day at work to take me to North London, where this Kabbalah guy was temporarily based.

Knowing that Kabbalists see you more as a spiritual entity rather than a physical one, I tried to cleanse myself of bad thoughts and busied myself saying Tehillim before I met him. Now, Mr Kasamba doesn’t go in for all of this stuff. He believes, as my father does, that we can approach the Almighty when and wherever we want, but he indulges my meshugassim. So we shlepped into the bowels of North London where we were ushered into a decrepit tiny room with a bed and a sink.
“Ooooh,” I thought (See? I'm always thinking!),
“An Anav! You don’t see many of those these days!”
Then I met him, the man who with his gift of special sight, would look into my hand and tell me what I need to know.
I was gurgling with anticipation.
Well, not actually gurgling, but I just like that word. Gurgling.
Gur-ga- ling.
The Rav then instructed me to sit across from him and asked to see my hand. He looked at my hand for a long time. I looked over at my better half who had his arms folded in incredulity and I gave him a look that said, “You see? This guy is the real deal!”

Just then the Rav looked up at me and started to regale me about secrets of my life.
He told me that my quiet kids were loud and that my easy kids were difficult.

But what cinched it was when he said that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that manifests itself in cleanliness.
He said that I am so extremely spotless that my family and kids suffer and especially my husband.

He said that having a spic and span house is not the true measure of an Eishes Chayil.
He said that I must learn how to relax my standards in order for me to have Sholom Bayis.
By this time Mr Kasamba was physically holding his sides in pain from withholding gales of laughter.

My first thought was that maybe my hands were dirty and that’s why the Rav misread my signals and thought I was somebody else.

But then he went on to ask me if I knew of any rich people in Golders Green who would be interested in his expertise.
Ah, huh. Yeah right.
Beam me up Scottie.

Boruch Hashem, I have had the zchus of meeting amazing Rebbeim who beyond doubt have Sight and true clarity of vision.
This guy was obviously not one of them.
Or maybe…. I was meant to be a neat freak.


At 7:52 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

hmmm yeah in a past life maybe. (referring to punch line!)

btw just say stamford hill..nobody knows the heck you're talking about when you say north say the hill....they go ...aaaaah. (he was a visiting guy nobody'll know his identity, so not loshon hora.)

At 8:14 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

all overqualified women..
sign up on Kas's blog..

me first on the list!

XX towik

At 8:59 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

overqualified for cleaning? i like to think i am, but it doesn't "wash."
Can't justify it for 2 adults and 1 neat child.

At 12:36 AM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

what a weird story!! glad he was SUCH an obvious fake..
but kasamba.. palmreading??

At 12:52 AM, Blogger The Next Contender said...


At 1:32 AM, Blogger Jewish Smörgåsbord said...

I wonder how many people he told the exact same thing.... at least you had a good laugh!

At 2:02 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

palmreading? bizarre.

it's always good to have a clean house though!

At 2:11 AM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Lots of those fakes got to be careful to get the real sure thing. Glad your house is neat I wouldn't doubt it for a minute lol.

At 2:21 AM, Blogger MUST Gum Addict said...

First, on the cleanliness thing...

I like to clean. It's actually something I do to clear my brain. I grew up watching my father clean the house, and of course, I did plenty of chores when I was younger. But I will never put myself above cleaning. It's something we all have to do. It is beneath none of us. On many levels.

Now, on to the Kabbalistic part...

I'm not much into the bracha thing. I guess like your husband, I'd rather speak to the One Above myself rather than risk having someone else misinterpret my asks. But more so, I've been to Rebbes in Eretz Yisroel when I've gone with my friends. I'm not sure I get the whole waiting in line thing -- I mean people wait for hours. I've done that at Space Mountain in DisneyWorld and that is also a holy experience -- but nowadays they have a thing called FastPass there and it would be nice to see these Rebbes incorporate something similar :)

At 3:24 AM, Blogger Mrs. Jude said...

how weird!
I am a clean freak too, only if I clean the evil mrs. jude shows up... So help is really best for everyone. lol
I think is a control freak issue. For five whole minutes, if I am lucky, everything is how I want it. lol

At 4:19 AM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Kasamba - As funny as it gets, as usual!!!
You know what they say about Rabbis - It's your faith in them that makes them closer to God. Maybe Mr. Kasamba ruined the spirit?? ;)

At 4:22 AM, Blogger Fern R said...

Heh. It sounds like your husband and my husband might have a common ancestor. Any chance your husband's family comes from Odessa or Minsk? ;-)

At 5:24 AM, Blogger Chana said...

Oh how funny!!!

BTW, I _SO_ knew it was you. ;)

At 6:44 AM, Blogger shy said...

Did you not tell the guy that he was so wrong?

At 7:52 AM, Blogger westbankmama said...

OOOOOHHHHH, that's great - now I can tell my husband that I am "overqualified" to clean the house, and that will be my excuse from now on...instead of the fact that I am just a slob!

At 9:23 AM, Blogger Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Once again, we see clear proof (not that its needed) that Mr. Kasamba is obviously a highly intelligent person!

1. He tries to minimize luggage on planes.

2. He is less than convinced that palm readers are the wave of the future.

3. He went along with you anyway, getting points for being a good sport.

4. He got to laugh WITH you :)

Shavua Tov, from the homeland of our people.


At 3:48 PM, Blogger cruisin-mom said...

how much did you pay this guy?
(perhaps he was channeling the "inner" you, the you that longs to be neat and clean)

At 11:02 PM, Blogger nuch a chosid said...

HE may have failed in his palm reading exercise, but YOU sure were helped and had a 'yeshua' by by seeing him, it seems that he healed your obsession with running to every advertised kabalist, hasn't he?

by the way, he is not only no real rebbe, but seems stupid too, usually most of these fakes tell u such things that are very vague and gray and matches half of the population, so it;s hard to catch him what a fake he is, this guy must've decided to take a wild chance, which he obviously failed.

or maybe he judged by the way you were dressed, who knows....

At 1:21 AM, Blogger RaggedyMom said...

I love that you managed to be funny . . . self-deprecating . . . spooky . . . and then funny again in such a small space.

My mom is such a cleaning freak that any attempts I make fall helplessly short by comparison. I guess the gene for waking up at 4:30 a.m. and having the house museum-spotless by 5:45 did NOT pass down to me!

At 2:15 PM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

Perhaps it was a metaphor for something else?, and as for asking about wealthy neighbours even Holy people need to eat and marry off their kids.
If it's not too indiscreet how much did you slip the Rebbe or the Gabbai?
That could be a reason for this inconclusive visit.

At 3:22 AM, Blogger chaverah said...

lol, I can relate. I went to some of these "people" and what a joke! I am convinced there are special people out there but havent found them yet.

At 8:59 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

I did that on purpose!!!!

Yay! Let's hear it for us!!!

Neat child? You lucky lady!

I know, I know!

The Next Contender:

Oh, we did laugh!

I love the clean house- I just don't want to do it myself!

Thank you!

At 9:06 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

My cleaners are taking off this thursday- are you free? ;)
Fast pass- great idea! LOL!

Evil Mrs Jude, you must meet Evil Mrs Kasamba- they'd get on real well!

LOL! could be!

Fern r;
LOL! Hey, we're all related anyway!

You smartie! I knew you knew!

I didn't even bother!

It really works!

You win the award for best comment in the catagory of Best Thing Said About Mr Kasamba!

LOL! Even the inner me doesn't do windows!

Nuch a Chussid:
True, I'm right off advertised Kabbalists!
Nuch, my husband said the same thing- perfect manicure must equal OCD! NOT!

Raggedy Mom:
Thanks! But 4:30 am- WOW!!!

Oh, puh-leese Prag! Whatever we gave him was too much!

I've seen 'em all and I have a list of the all the 100% kosher ones!!!

At 7:59 AM, Blogger Microsoft Office 2007 said...

NEVERTHELESS, THE CIVIL LAW is and must be neutral about who has a more noble or rewarding faith. The breakaway parishes ought to win every Office 2010facet of the lawsuit not becauseMicrosoft Office 2010 their beliefs or their politics are better, Microsoft wordbut because both lawOffice 2007and equity, along with common sense, are on Microsoft Officetheir side.Microsoft Office 2007 Not only does Virginia state law (the Division Statute)Office 2007 keyexplicitly apply to just such a Office 2007 downloadsituation as now exists, but the history Office 2007 Professionalespecially of The Falls Church argues against the claims of Outlook 2010the Virginia Diocese with which theyMicrosoft outlookhave disassociated.Microsoft outlook 2010First, The Falls Church wasWindows 7 founded, formed, and developed long before the diocese, or the national Episcopal Church, even existed.

At 4:09 AM, Blogger 林磊 said...

Lerbron James Shoes For Sale
michael kors uk
louis vuitton outlet online
Michael Kors Handbags Outlet
Abercrombie and Fitch Outlet
Christian Louboutin Outlet Authentic sneakers
Louis Vuitton Handbags Outlet
coach outlet
ray-ban sunglasses,ray ban sunglasses,ray bans,rayban,ray ban wayfarer,raybans,ray ban glasses,ray ban aviators,ray ban clubmaster,ray ban eyeglasses,cheap ray bans,ray bans sunglasses,ray ban aviator,ray bands,fake ray bans,ray ban prescription glasses,ray ban outlet,ray ban canada,ray ban sunglasses sale,ray ban sale
michael kors uk
ugg boots sale
nike trainers
Louis Vuitton Handbags Outlet Stores
louis vuitton handbags
uggs sale
cheap ugg boots
canada goose jackets
Ralph Lauren UK
hollister uk sale
Hollister Cheap Hollister Clothing Outlet Store
Mont Blanc Pens
Louis Vuitton Handbags Discount
michael kors outlet
ugg outlet
Coach Outlet Discount Sale

At 5:28 AM, Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

ninest123 12.31
tory burch outlet, ugg boots, louis vuitton outlet, burberry outlet online, louboutin, jordan shoes, oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet, burberry, polo ralph lauren outlet, christian louboutin outlet, michael kors outlet, louis vuitton, louboutin shoes, michael kors, polo ralph lauren outlet, chanel handbags, oakley sunglasses, prada handbags, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, gucci outlet, longchamp outlet, uggs on sale, louboutin outlet, michael kors outlet, nike outlet, ugg boots, louis vuitton, nike free, tiffany and co, louis vuitton outlet, ugg boots, michael kors outlet, replica watches, longchamp, prada outlet, replica watches, nike air max, ray ban sunglasses, cheap oakley sunglasses, longchamp outlet, ugg boots, louis vuitton, nike air max, tiffany jewelry, ray ban sunglasses, oakley sunglasses, michael kors outlet

At 5:30 AM, Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

michael kors, ralph lauren uk, nike air max, converse pas cher, vanessa bruno, true religion outlet, vans pas cher, ralph lauren pas cher, coach purses, ray ban uk, abercrombie and fitch, nike air max, nike free, new balance pas cher, nike free run uk, true religion jeans, hermes, oakley pas cher, nike roshe run, ray ban pas cher, air force, michael kors, mulberry, nike air max, nike blazer, hogan, lacoste pas cher, burberry, air max, air jordan pas cher, sac longchamp, longchamp pas cher, coach outlet, north face, tn pas cher, michael kors, michael kors, north face, true religion jeans, longchamp, nike roshe, sac guess, hollister, nike trainers, louboutin pas cher, replica handbags, hollister pas cher, nike huarache, true religion jeans, timberland, lululemon

At 5:32 AM, Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

mcm handbags, north face outlet, soccer jerseys, nike roshe, beats by dre, nike air max, nfl jerseys, converse, bottega veneta, ghd, ray ban, asics running shoes, ralph lauren, mac cosmetics, iphone 5s cases, ferragamo shoes, soccer shoes, baseball bats, iphone 6s plus cases, iphone cases, s5 cases, wedding dresses, north face outlet, jimmy choo shoes, vans shoes, vans, reebok shoes, birkin bag, new balance, hollister, instyler, celine handbags, herve leger, mont blanc, iphone 6 cases, valentino shoes, p90x workout, ipad cases, louboutin, giuseppe zanotti, babyliss, chi flat iron, iphone 6s cases, iphone 6 plus cases, abercrombie and fitch, gucci, hollister, oakley, nike air max, timberland boots, lululemon, insanity workout

At 5:34 AM, Blogger ninest123 Ninest said...

louis vuitton, canada goose, karen millen, pandora charms, moncler, converse outlet, pandora jewelry, links of london, canada goose, wedding dresses, lancel, moncler, canada goose uk, supra shoes, replica watches, moncler outlet, hollister, toms shoes, doke gabbana outlet, canada goose, doudoune canada goose, coach outlet, canada goose outlet, moncler, ugg boots uk, canada goose, louis vuitton, ugg pas cher, swarovski, barbour, pandora jewelry, marc jacobs, moncler, bottes ugg, louis vuitton, moncler, louis vuitton, sac louis vuitton pas cher, canada goose outlet, montre pas cher, barbour jackets, pandora charms, juicy couture outlet, moncler, juicy couture outlet, ugg,uggs,uggs canada, thomas sabo, swarovski crystal, moncler, ugg,ugg australia,ugg italia
nienst123 12.31

At 10:37 AM, Blogger 柯云 said...

nike roshe shoes
ray ban sunglasses
ralph lauren outlet
air force 1 trainers
nike roshe shoes
true religion outlet store
air max 95
nike store
nike uk
christian louboutin outlet
air max 90
pandora jewelry
nike outlet
michael kors outlet online
hollister jeans
louis vuitton outlet
louis vuitton handbags
jordan 3 powder blue
tods sale
cheap oakley sunglasses
adidas trainers
oakley vault
coach outlet
ray ban uk
ralph lauren outlet
retro jordans 13
gucci belts
michael kors outlet clearance
tory burch shoes
coach outlet online
adidas superstar shoes
burberry sale
hollister clothing store
louis vuitton
nike air max 90
ray ban sunglasses outlet
adidas originals store
louis vuitton purses
ray ban outlet

At 3:37 AM, Blogger Zheng junxai5 said...

michael kors handbags
nike running shoes for men
louis vuitton handbags
christian louboutin sale
michael kors handbags
nike store
cheap ray ban sunglasses
kate spade outlet
cheap air jordans
michael kors outlet
michael kors purses
nike free 5.0
fitflop shoes
hollister jeans
nike air huarache
ralph lauren polo
cheap jordans
kate spade handbags
louis vuitton bags
tory burch shoes
ralph lauren
beats by dre outlet
ghd hair straighteners
air jordan shoes
adidas outlet store
adidas yeezy
montblanc pens
toms wedges
coach factory outlet online
coach outlet online
supra footwear
cheap oakley sunglasses
michael kors outlet
hollister kids
ray ban sunglasses
coach outlet store online
hollister clothing store
ralph lauren
red bottom shoes
copy watches

At 8:50 AM, Blogger Fangyaya said...

michael kors handbags
mont blanc pens
michael kors handbags
tiffany outlet
adidas originals
michael kors outlet
louis vuitton outlet
true religion outlet
ray ban wayfarer
true religion jeans
timberland boots
coach factory outlet
polo ralph lauren
christian louboutin outlet
nike trainers
michael kors outlet
timberland boots
longchamp bags
michael kors outlet online
gucci handbags
coach outlet
adidas yeezy
coach outlet
louis vuitton bags
coach outlet online
beats headphones
coach factory outlet
vans shoes
oakley vault
adidas originals
celine bags
air jordan retro
toms shoes
louis vuitton bags
cartier watches
michael kors outlet
louis vuitton outlet
louis vuitton handbags
coach outlet
coach outlet

At 6:46 AM, Blogger chenlina said...

toms outlet
jordan 4 toro
authentic louis vuitton handbags
cheap jordans
air jordan 13
michael kors outlet clearance
insanity workout
cheap jordan shoes
tiffany outlet
ralph lauren outlet
michael kors
adidas originals
true religion outlet
ray bans
cartier watches
michael kors outlet
air max 90
michael kors
toms outlet
coach factory outlet
nike trainers uk
air jordan pas cher
hollister clothing
louis vuitton handbags
michael kors outlet clearance
oakley sunglasses
jordan 11 concord
replica rolex watches
toms wedges
adidas outlet
true religion outlet
nike basketball shoes
christian louboutin outlet
oakley canada
replica watches
oakley outlet
timberland boots
lebron james shoes 13

At 4:05 PM, Blogger dalia said...


Post a Comment

<< Home

My blog is worth $12,419.88.
How much is your blog worth?

<< List
Jewish Bloggers
Join >>