Saturday, January 13

Of Cleanliness and Kabbalists

Before y’all start jumping to conclusions I just want to pre-empt your natural assumptions by saying that my house is clean.
It’s really very clean.
I just don’t do it myself, that’s all.
In fact, every time I see something requiring elbow grease, I hear a voice shrieking,
“Kasamba! Step away from the filth! NOW”
I do my best to listen to that voice.

The way I look at it, is that I am definitely overqualified to wash, scrub and scour.
When I first got married, I thought nothing of dumping my handbag and coat on the kitchen counter in case I would need it later, or the next day. Mr Kasamba took this lack of tidiness as a personal affront to him and his entire bloodline. Therefore, I did train myself to pander to his peculiar need, but as far as the rest, well it didn’t mean that much to me.
The way I explained it to him was,
Hey, ya want it clean, but I ain’t gonna do it so I guess you is gonna have to hire someone, huh?”
I know, I know I am just so…refined.

I love my cleaning help.
I have them in mind every time I light Shabbos candles.
I love how I can cook like Hurricane Katrina and the kitchen will be spotless before you can say, 'damaged drinking water'.
So you could say I’m relaxed in the cleaning area.

Now for the Kabbalist part.
As you already know, I am a Rebbe follower and I love the idea of going to get Brochos from people who are many steps closer to Hashem than I am. So, when I saw an ad in the local paper about a Rav who specialised in the Kabalistic art of Chachmas Hayad, (reading hands) I thought,
“Oh, yeeeeeaaaah! Gotto go to him!”
I immediately called up and booked an appointment. Then, I forced poor Mr Kasamba after a long day at work to take me to North London, where this Kabbalah guy was temporarily based.

Knowing that Kabbalists see you more as a spiritual entity rather than a physical one, I tried to cleanse myself of bad thoughts and busied myself saying Tehillim before I met him. Now, Mr Kasamba doesn’t go in for all of this stuff. He believes, as my father does, that we can approach the Almighty when and wherever we want, but he indulges my meshugassim. So we shlepped into the bowels of North London where we were ushered into a decrepit tiny room with a bed and a sink.
“Ooooh,” I thought (See? I'm always thinking!),
“An Anav! You don’t see many of those these days!”
Then I met him, the man who with his gift of special sight, would look into my hand and tell me what I need to know.
I was gurgling with anticipation.
Well, not actually gurgling, but I just like that word. Gurgling.
Gur-ga- ling.
The Rav then instructed me to sit across from him and asked to see my hand. He looked at my hand for a long time. I looked over at my better half who had his arms folded in incredulity and I gave him a look that said, “You see? This guy is the real deal!”

Just then the Rav looked up at me and started to regale me about secrets of my life.
He told me that my quiet kids were loud and that my easy kids were difficult.
Wha???

But what cinched it was when he said that I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder that manifests itself in cleanliness.
He said that I am so extremely spotless that my family and kids suffer and especially my husband.

He said that having a spic and span house is not the true measure of an Eishes Chayil.
He said that I must learn how to relax my standards in order for me to have Sholom Bayis.
By this time Mr Kasamba was physically holding his sides in pain from withholding gales of laughter.

My first thought was that maybe my hands were dirty and that’s why the Rav misread my signals and thought I was somebody else.

But then he went on to ask me if I knew of any rich people in Golders Green who would be interested in his expertise.
Ah, huh. Yeah right.
Beam me up Scottie.
Fast.

Boruch Hashem, I have had the zchus of meeting amazing Rebbeim who beyond doubt have Sight and true clarity of vision.
This guy was obviously not one of them.
Or maybe…. I was meant to be a neat freak.

34 Comments:

At 7:52 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

hmmm yeah in a past life maybe. (referring to punch line!)

btw just say stamford hill..nobody knows the heck you're talking about when you say north london....you say the hill....they go ...aaaaah. (he was a visiting guy nobody'll know his identity, so not loshon hora.)

 
At 8:14 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

hmmmm
all overqualified women..
sign up on Kas's blog..
lol

me first on the list!

XX towik

 
At 8:59 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

overqualified for cleaning? i like to think i am, but it doesn't "wash."
Can't justify it for 2 adults and 1 neat child.

 
At 12:36 AM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

what a weird story!! glad he was SUCH an obvious fake..
but kasamba.. palmreading??

 
At 12:52 AM, Blogger The Next Contender said...

weird!

 
At 1:32 AM, Blogger Jewish Smörgåsbord said...

I wonder how many people he told the exact same thing.... at least you had a good laugh!

 
At 2:02 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

palmreading? bizarre.

it's always good to have a clean house though!

 
At 2:11 AM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Lots of those fakes got to be careful to get the real sure thing. Glad your house is neat I wouldn't doubt it for a minute lol.

 
At 2:21 AM, Blogger MUST Gum Addict said...

First, on the cleanliness thing...

I like to clean. It's actually something I do to clear my brain. I grew up watching my father clean the house, and of course, I did plenty of chores when I was younger. But I will never put myself above cleaning. It's something we all have to do. It is beneath none of us. On many levels.

Now, on to the Kabbalistic part...

I'm not much into the bracha thing. I guess like your husband, I'd rather speak to the One Above myself rather than risk having someone else misinterpret my asks. But more so, I've been to Rebbes in Eretz Yisroel when I've gone with my friends. I'm not sure I get the whole waiting in line thing -- I mean people wait for hours. I've done that at Space Mountain in DisneyWorld and that is also a holy experience -- but nowadays they have a thing called FastPass there and it would be nice to see these Rebbes incorporate something similar :)

 
At 3:24 AM, Blogger Mrs. Jude said...

how weird!
I am a clean freak too, only if I clean the evil mrs. jude shows up... So help is really best for everyone. lol
I think is a control freak issue. For five whole minutes, if I am lucky, everything is how I want it. lol

 
At 4:19 AM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

Kasamba - As funny as it gets, as usual!!!
You know what they say about Rabbis - It's your faith in them that makes them closer to God. Maybe Mr. Kasamba ruined the spirit?? ;)

 
At 4:22 AM, Blogger Fern R said...

Heh. It sounds like your husband and my husband might have a common ancestor. Any chance your husband's family comes from Odessa or Minsk? ;-)

 
At 5:24 AM, Blogger Chana said...

Oh how funny!!!

BTW, I _SO_ knew it was you. ;)

 
At 6:44 AM, Blogger shy said...

Did you not tell the guy that he was so wrong?

 
At 7:52 AM, Blogger westbankmama said...

OOOOOHHHHH, that's great - now I can tell my husband that I am "overqualified" to clean the house, and that will be my excuse from now on...instead of the fact that I am just a slob!

 
At 9:23 AM, Blogger Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Once again, we see clear proof (not that its needed) that Mr. Kasamba is obviously a highly intelligent person!

1. He tries to minimize luggage on planes.

2. He is less than convinced that palm readers are the wave of the future.

3. He went along with you anyway, getting points for being a good sport.

4. He got to laugh WITH you :)

Shavua Tov, from the homeland of our people.

Jameel.

 
At 3:48 PM, Blogger cruisin-mom said...

how much did you pay this guy?
(perhaps he was channeling the "inner" you, the you that longs to be neat and clean)

 
At 11:02 PM, Blogger nuch a chosid said...

HE may have failed in his palm reading exercise, but YOU sure were helped and had a 'yeshua' by by seeing him, it seems that he healed your obsession with running to every advertised kabalist, hasn't he?

by the way, he is not only no real rebbe, but seems stupid too, usually most of these fakes tell u such things that are very vague and gray and matches half of the population, so it;s hard to catch him what a fake he is, this guy must've decided to take a wild chance, which he obviously failed.

or maybe he judged by the way you were dressed, who knows....

 
At 1:21 AM, Blogger RaggedyMom said...

I love that you managed to be funny . . . self-deprecating . . . spooky . . . and then funny again in such a small space.

My mom is such a cleaning freak that any attempts I make fall helplessly short by comparison. I guess the gene for waking up at 4:30 a.m. and having the house museum-spotless by 5:45 did NOT pass down to me!

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

Perhaps it was a metaphor for something else?, and as for asking about wealthy neighbours even Holy people need to eat and marry off their kids.
If it's not too indiscreet how much did you slip the Rebbe or the Gabbai?
That could be a reason for this inconclusive visit.

 
At 3:22 AM, Blogger chaverah said...

lol, I can relate. I went to some of these "people" and what a joke! I am convinced there are special people out there but havent found them yet.

 
At 8:59 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Kish:
LOL!
I did that on purpose!!!!

Towik:
Yay! Let's hear it for us!!!

Kish:
Neat child? You lucky lady!

M00ks:
I know, I know!

The Next Contender:
Yeah!

JSmorg:
Oh, we did laugh!

Sarah:
I love the clean house- I just don't want to do it myself!

Socialworker:
Thank you!

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Must:
My cleaners are taking off this thursday- are you free? ;)
Fast pass- great idea! LOL!

Evil Mrs Jude, you must meet Evil Mrs Kasamba- they'd get on real well!

Shpitzle:
LOL! could be!

Fern r;
LOL! Hey, we're all related anyway!

Chana:
You smartie! I knew you knew!

Shy:
I didn't even bother!

Westbankmama:
It really works!

Jameel:
You win the award for best comment in the catagory of Best Thing Said About Mr Kasamba!

Crusin:
LOL! Even the inner me doesn't do windows!

Nuch a Chussid:
True, I'm right off advertised Kabbalists!
Nuch, my husband said the same thing- perfect manicure must equal OCD! NOT!

Raggedy Mom:
Thanks! But 4:30 am- WOW!!!

Prag:
Oh, puh-leese Prag! Whatever we gave him was too much!

Chavera:
I've seen 'em all and I have a list of the all the 100% kosher ones!!!

 
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