Thursday, December 14

This Post is Smokin’

Whoever invented smoking should be shot.
Oh, it’s too late, they’ve already rotted centuries ago with lungs that probably looked like my first attempt at pottery in a too hot kiln.

I don’t think I would mind people smoking if they didn’t exhale. It always seems to me that people take two puffs from their cigarette and then hold the cigarette away from them, allowing the fumes to creep up on me and ruin whichever sheitel I was unlucky enough to be donning.
Oh, didn’t you know?
Smoking Kills…. Sheitels.
They don’t write that on the package do they?
Apparently, it didn’t occur to the Surgeon General to put that as a warning to the public. Apparently my purchased hair means nothing to him, or the smokers themselves. But, to be fair; if smokers don’t care about their own unborn babies, they certainly won’t give a fig about my poor wig.

When exposed to smoke, the sheitel hair swells up; absorbing the smoke and the smell, removing whatever shine the hair had. Too much exposure will leave it lifeless and frizzy, which incidentally is exactly happens to the smokers themselves, as they too become lifeless and frizzy.

Have you ever seen the before and after photos of lungs pre and post smoking? The virgin lungs are pristine and a healthy shade of pink, while the smokers lungs look like a lump of coal that was excavated from the Great Fire of London. I’m not even going to mention nicotine staining on teeth and fingers and the fact that a die-hard smoker (hah! Get it?) has the skin comparable to a bark of a tree. When a smoker talks, they rasp and rattle when they breathe.
So, that should make one think, ‘do the filters work?’
Huh?

But as for the rest us, victims of the addicted, what happens to us, besides stinky sheitels? Every time I go to Paris where the meal costs more than the ticket to go there, as soon as someone inevitably lights up, everything tastes the same; ash.
Tres expensive ash.
I actually came across a T-shirt that said ‘Quit smoking- find out what food tastes like’.
The icing on the crème brulee is that we come home smelling like a cannibal’s hors douvres; completely smoked and tenderised. This is despite my best efforts in trying to halt the smokers’ quest to pollute my air. I try to appeal to their human kindness; that special place in their soul that makes them weep when hearing about suffering llamas in Argentina. So, I start off hemming and hawing and move on to hocking and broching and coughing so loud that even the Parisian taxi drivers outside are awakened from their trance like stupors. Mr Kasamba finds my behaviour excruciating because all it does is make the Frenchies stare, lips pursed while their cigarettes continue to perfume my world.

What I can’t understand is, what is so wonderful about smoking that makes people put their enjoyment before the health and welfare of the rest of us? The sad thing is that it’s not just the non smokers who come into random contact with smokers who suffer, but the vulnerable ones condemned by fate to be around smokers most of the time.
The poor innocent children.

Now, as a eminent warbler once sang, ‘I believe that children are our future’. Just what kind of future do children of smokers have? I have seen people smoke a foot away from their newborn baby, and I have seen them smoke while propping their children on their knee. When I was last in the airport I witnessed a set of parents wheel their tiny baby into the smoking section provided by Heathrow. I could barely believe my eyes. Evidently, they did not want to leave their child just outside of the enclosure, because it wouldn’t be safe.
Sure, that makes sense.

Have you ever seen the smoking section at Heathrow? It looks like a see through stand up coffin with clear panels so you can watch people kill themselves slowly. At the time the concerned parents stepped in there, there was so much smoke I was waiting for Sherlock Holmes and Watson to step out from the mist. It disturbed me so much that I went up to the nearest airport representative and asked her if she could say something to these 'parents of the year'. She obviously said that she couldn’t but that the smoking section would soon be a thing of the past as smoking will banned from public places in England altogether. Yee ha!

The only positive side that I can say about smoking is; if you do smoke in your car, you never have to pay extra for tinted windows.

I will leave you with the words of the great philosopher Rosanne Barr,
“Be nice to smokers, they don’t have long to live.”

27 Comments:

At 9:13 AM, Blogger BagelUndertheCouch said...

lucky for me, most of the residents in idaho are mormon or fiercely hippy, new-age-ish, so you don't see a lot of heavy smokers in this neck of the woods.

there is smoke, however...though it's more of a...purplish color...

 
At 10:25 AM, Blogger westbankmama said...

The worst is when the kids start to imitate smoking (with those awful bubblegum cigarettes) because it looks "cool". My husband and I then tell them about all of the awful things you mentioned (yellow teeth, not being able to taste the food, and more importantly to young boys - how it keeps you from doing well in sports).

 
At 1:33 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

Tres Tres Great Punch Line!!
You had me rollin' right through, Bebe!!

XX

 
At 1:34 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

Bagel -

LOL

 
At 1:39 PM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

excellent post - smokers take notice!

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

great post.. but..i grew up with it all around me, everyone smoked.. so it doesnt bother me that much
and your right,those smoking rooms are HORRIBLE. standing coffin is the perfect descrpition :)

one of the worse things i remember from 'my younger days' is that smell you wake up to sunday morning. your face in your pillow, first breath of.. stinky smoky hair.. yuck!

 
At 4:04 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

wow..you hold no punches...

Good for you..I cant stand being near smokers..

Although I think they serve a purpose.
I think after 12o when Hashem will say How could you do all those aveiros when you knew how bad it was for you..I'll point to the smokers and say ..Look what an addiction can do..in the face of tangible black lungs..and death...
I dont know if itll work..lol

 
At 9:11 PM, Blogger Mia said...

In Stockholm smoking is luckily forbidden in all public places and it is truly fantastic - specially if you have asthma like me!

 
At 11:05 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

nothing like a good hooka bar

 
At 1:56 AM, Blogger Nemo said...

Kasamba, I think that you've isolated a lot of your readers... that's why its so quiet here. Either that or they went outside to smoke.

 
At 1:57 AM, Blogger Nemo said...

... at your behest of course!

 
At 4:19 PM, Blogger Ariella said...

Excellent post. I hate being forced to inhale the smoke from smokers, particularly when they congregate just outside the doorway of a building I have to pass through

 
At 6:38 PM, Blogger Shopaholic said...

I saw a great add on billboard once
it had a picture of a cemetary on it and in big black letters it said SMOKING SECTION.
I know this girl who's husband smokes (he told he'll stop when they got married...well he didnt really) she said kissing a guy who smokes is like licking and ash- try! yuk. He has now finally quit after she had a baby.

 
At 9:15 PM, Blogger Tzvi Meir said...

Great post. Good for you!

 
At 11:44 PM, Blogger Sara with NO H said...

Gut voch lol. I've never heard of the sheitl murder when it came to smoking. I really ought to keep that in mind when I get married. I usd to work in an office where they allowed smoking in the building. I actually think it's illegal in all of NY but when you've got an office full of smokers I guess the law doesn't mean much. I can't stand that smoke floating by when they sit there and let it burn. They made these new ones that if you don't smoke it for like 30 seconds they automatically go out. You see chassidish guys mumbling "oh shit...not again" when they walk down the block. I happen to get a huge kick out of it lol.

 
At 11:47 PM, Blogger Sara with NO H said...

oh and p.s for limey, actually the hookah smoke doesn't smell the same as regular tobacco. It smells like strawberries and vanilla and stuff. I've been in those places and it's like walking into the smell of tea and incense.

 
At 12:17 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Bagel:
LOL!
At least they're happy!

WestBankMama:
I know,
I'm so scared for my kids!


Towik:
Thanks Dahling!

Sarah:
I hope they do!

M00ks:
I hate stinky hair!

David:
True and scary!

Mia:
You're lucky you don't live here then!

Limey: I wouldn't know!

Nemo:
Such sissies!

Ariella:
I hate that too!

Shoppy:
That's a great ad!

KollelMama:
Thanks!

Sara with no H:
LOL! That's so funny!

 
At 8:56 PM, Blogger RR said...

I agree with you 100%. Smoking is the most vile, odious habit and I'm jealous that they're pretty much banning it where you are- I wish they'd do that here!

 
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