Monday, October 30

The Debut

There is certain order to proceedings in the frum world.
We know how events should run and we know what to do and how to do it. This is why we never need rehearsal dinners, hello! Every frummer and frummie knows how the first Sheva Brochos is supposed to go. After all, it has been passed down from generation to generation. But isn’t that a bit booooring?
Why can’t we just shake things up a bit??

So, in light of this new found need to revolutionize, I confidently suggested that instead of the regular Chusson-Kallah-Show-Up-After-Everyone-Else thing, my niece and new husband should actually be standing in the centre of the room covered by a festively decorated box. Then when everyone is seated the band could start playing music and announce, “For the very second time (the first being the wedding, duh!) appearing as husband and wife; Mr and Mrs Rhubarb!”
And then VOILA!
The box would be removed and much merriment would ensue.

I thought my proposal had gone down a treat until they adjusted the straps on my straightjacket (lined in satin, dahling) and sent me back into the rubber room with no corners.

But back to the Sheva Brochos.
I think the first Sheva Brochos should be called, ‘The Unveiling’ for it is then that the new Kallah debuts and reveals… her new sheitel.

First Sheva Brochos are indeed excruciating for a Kallah because of the whole sheitel business. I remember turning up to my Sheva Brochos looking like a frightened French poodle. I can’t even use the eighties for an excuse.

Usually, the poor bride walks in and assorted siblings and in-laws ‘ooh’ and ‘ah’ over her wig while simultaneously poking and prodding it, in order to “just fix this stray hair

Usually, the Kallah, sporting a few Ukrainian milkmaids hair if she’s lucky (cuz if she ain’t, then her wig probably looks like she stole it from Barbie), feels like she is balancing road kill on her head

Usually, this pathetic creature can be found looking longingly at the cutlery to figure out which would be better to stick underneath her wig to alleviate the itching; the knife or the fork?

And everyone at the first Sheva Brochos, is watching her every move, every nuance, every emotion that crosses her face.

Not so my niece, Celery.
She showed up at her first Sheva Brochos in a wig that looked like her hair had done the day before and all her self confidence in tact.
It was a pleasure to look at her.
Which I did.

That is, I looked at her until Glinda the Good showed up, and then my attention swiftly moved so I could gawk at her. It’s not my fault I was compelled to stare at her, she’s just so darn sparkly.

This particular evening found her wearing a necklace of south sea pearls the size of golf balls interspersed with diamond balls of equal size. It looked so heavy, I don’t know how she held her head upright. She accessorized this with matching earrings bracelets, assorted rings and a flower shaped diamond encrusted watch that was a large as one of Wonder Woman’s cuffs.

It was like looking at the sun.
I was just itching to go up to her and beg to be adopted.
But I didn’t.

Darn, these straps are tight.

45 Comments:

At 11:43 AM, Blogger Shoshana said...

So funny! And I totally agree about the chosson and kallah needing to break tradition and actually show up (gasp!) on time. Glad your niece manages to wear her sheitel with ease.

 
At 11:52 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

lol... at least with Glinda there the room would be light and bright!

:)

glad the sheitel was a good one.
and the idea of the couple showing up first is one that should be considered (maybe not for the first sheva brachot though... that would be too much pressure to get there as well have the sheitel looking perfect!)

 
At 1:53 PM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Hysterical!

 
At 2:20 PM, Blogger Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Hey Kaaaaaaaaaasamba!

(That seemed like a good introduction)

Why not just mandate hats instead of sheitels? (at least for sheva brachot)

 
At 2:20 PM, Blogger Jameel @ The Muqata said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:04 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

I think it's a great idea!

Glinda is really an eco warrior, she's trying to save on electricity.

Jameel- but that would be MISSING THE WHOLE POINT!! 7brochos is practice.....the kallah has to do it whether she likes it or not.

:-D

 
At 4:08 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

They're as fake as her .....
can you say CZ?

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Shoshana:
Thank you! It is time for a change!

Sarah:
LOL, true, true!!

Socialworker:
Thanks!

Jameel:
Hey Jameeeeeeeeeeeeeel!
Good idea, but......no.

Kish:
Tell it like it is, girl!!!!

Limey:
HA!
Limes, you don't understand, this woman is LOADED!!! She ripped out her kitchen and replaced it with onyx and mirrors!!!

 
At 4:20 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

it's an initiation rite!

 
At 5:25 PM, Blogger Open Up! said...

who needs to cook when you got jewels lol....kasamba loosen those straps girl you're too funny to be put away...LOVE IT

 
At 5:26 PM, Blogger Lakewood Venter said...

I like your idea for mixing things up!
p.s. loosen the straps!

 
At 7:56 PM, Blogger Ezzie said...

HAHA! :)

Of course, one could question why she feels the need to show up like that to a 7brachos...

How do you type with your arms tied up like that? :P

 
At 9:08 PM, Blogger Mia said...

Hilarious! Thanks for a little insight to the world of Sheitels! I never even tried one, always wondering how comfortable it really is, but I guess as everything else you need to get used to it.

Maybe they could fly in from the ceiling on their second or third sheva brachot :D

 
At 9:10 PM, Blogger BagelUndertheCouch said...

i get such a kick out of your blog, i really, really do.

 
At 10:12 PM, Blogger Scraps said...

You want some lotion? It might help the places where the straps rub and get itchy.

 
At 10:47 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

Yiikkkkeesss!

How is anyone allowed to be this funny???!!!!

LOL!!

You are brilliantatious, my besting person!!

Can I adopt you?
I promise to remove the straps..

X X X

 
At 12:59 AM, Blogger Ezzie said...

I'm afraid of Kasamba without the straps... :P

 
At 2:25 AM, Blogger Chana said...

I had the same thought as Jameel! That is just wrong!!

I've only ever worn hats - I'm thinking about getting a fall but I have a big skull and dread the thought of having to pay for a custom - I should ask my shrink for my money back - LOL... ;)

 
At 1:12 PM, Blogger Sara with NO H said...

Wonder womans cuffs! lol! I don't thik I've ever quite heard it compared that way. See the girls that wea hats over their sheitles have it good. They can wear synthetic and no one will even know. So insead of getting one before the sheva brochos, for the price they can get 6. But buying all the hats later really makes up for the price difference I would think. Those hats are exepnsive.
You failed to mention how the girls spend $400-$600 on some knit they're only going to wear that day. And maybe...just maybe for yom tov after but she wouldn't want people to talk.

You have the coolest blog!!!

 
At 2:40 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

Ezzie,

You don't know what you're missing!
:P

 
At 7:25 PM, Blogger SephardiLady said...

Just wear a hat to avoid poking and proding. :)

 
At 10:51 PM, Blogger Nemo said...

Whens the part where we find out who this mystery Jewel lady really is?

She's starting to sound like a charachter from the board game 'Clue.' I hope we won't have to ask "who done it?" {Blia"h}

 
At 12:30 AM, Blogger RaggedyMom said...

This was so spot-on and hysterical! Great way of summing it all up!!

 
At 10:21 AM, Blogger tafka PP said...

But what would your name be? Kasamba the K...? We need some alliterative adjectives here!! (Aside from "Kook")

 
At 5:22 PM, Blogger Bonnie B said...

Funny, so funny

I wish Glida would adopt me too-- or just toss me a diamond

 
At 6:20 PM, Blogger remchalamo said...

You are so hysterical! Gosh!
I was in a Chasseedish shul over Succot, and all the woman there were dripping in jewels I told my friend that we should just "pick one off the tree!"

 
At 9:07 PM, Blogger Amishav said...

Wow! What bling! Of course if they were real bling it would be more impressive, but then they wouldn't be the size of golf balls, or grapefruits, or whatever, then would they?

 
At 12:57 AM, Blogger workingema said...

You should have given me some of those sheva brachos ideas when I got married! I totally would have tried them out!

 
At 2:03 AM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

lol...
I remember my first sheva brachos and my wife going nuts....itching away..
I dont know how u women do it.
I wore a wig one purim and after an hour I just ripped it off...and scratched myself bloody...

 
At 10:01 AM, Blogger RR said...

Tee hee, thanks for the laugh, that was a good one! I have a friend who wears a sheitel and I remember that first sheva brochot when the poor girl entered the room looking like a deer caught in the headlights. I felt so bad for her, because it was supposed to be HER night, no worries, you know?

 
At 9:05 PM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

So there's nothing to look at the Chosson for?
:)

 
At 7:00 AM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

Mr and Mrs. Rhubarb- I Love it.

 
At 8:16 AM, Blogger Lvnsm27 said...

very cute

 
At 9:17 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Kish:
True!

Open up:
Ah, room, thanks!

LV:
I just did!

Ezzie:
-She shows up like that to everything!
-I manage!

Mia:
Now THERE's an idea!

Scraps:
Yeah!

Towik:
I'm all yours!

Ezzie:
Be afraid, be very afraid...

Chana:
You're all brains!

Sara with no H:
Thank You and good points!

 
At 9:21 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Sephardilady:
Too true!

Nemo:
Everyone in Vienna knows her!

RaggedyMom:
Thank you and great name BTW!!!

Tafkapp:
I am now Kasamba the Karamba.

Bonnie:
Yeah, a diamond would be good!

Amishav:
As I said to Limey,this woman is LOADED!!! She ripped out her kitchen and replaced it with onyx and mirrors!!!

Workingema;
For your daughter then!

David:
I know!

RR:
I certainly do! Poor thing.

Prag:
Ahem....

Jack:
Thanks, Jack!

Ivnsm:
Ta!

 
At 11:01 PM, Blogger YS said...

Three cheers for Israel! The land of the casual and free! Next month I have a friend who's wedding is on Friday morning. 9:30am is coffee and cake, 10:30 is Chuppah followed by Brunch!

A dream!

 
At 12:31 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

YS:
Now that's what I call a simcha!!!!

 
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