Friday, October 20

Vienna Waits For Me

As I write this, I’m shining my storm trooper boots, practising my goosestep and trying to assemble my features into the most Aryan-like countenance.

Where am I going, you might ask?
Well, if the title wasn’t enough for you, I’m off with my spousal unit, my parental units and my bunch of dependents, to Vienna, Austria, birthplace of the Evil Moustached One. Don’t be too impressed, it’s only a hop, skip and a jump away from London. A flight from NY to Miami is about an hour longer. So you could say Vienna is practically in my back yard.
Sure, you could say that.

I’ve actually been there before because said spousal unit’s sister lives there with her Hubby and Kiddies. Why she lives in a place where a yarmulke is like a 6 inch bull’s-eye is beyond me; but she’s happy. Anyhoo, her first born child, the first ever grandchild, the veritable princess of our family is getting married. YAY!!!

Right now, our flight to Vienna has been delayed for forty five minutes and my father has gone and done the unthinkable. He has taken off his ‘I-am-a-Jew-trying-not-to-look-like-a-Jew’ hat and is sitting behind me with his Yarmulke du jour; a huge soup bowl number in assorted shades of crimson (which I am slowly turning).
I am pretending I don’t know him.
All the rest of the passengers are looking at him as if they can’t believe there are any of his kind left.

Oh, darn, Dad has blown my cover. Arghhh!

The truth is my cover was blown already because of the quantity of sandwiches and nosh that have been whipped out two seconds after we boarded.
Before we even reached our seats.

My mother, who is sitting next to Kasamba Papa is hissing at me because she knows that I am writing this instead of writing the prerequisite gramen necessary for a functional Sheva Brochos.
Boy, she can be scary sometimes.

Meanwhile, my offspring are the ultimate in British refinement and deportment as they cruch their Bamba and shout out with their mouths full to their cousins who are also on board this flight 740 to Vienna, Austria.
Ahhh. Such nachas.

Finally we take off, just to be greeted a few minutes later by a bit of turbulence which sees mini cans of soda flying about with assorted foodstuffs. The pilot has just announced that we can’t fly under the turbulence because the clear air-paths underneath us are occupied.
Antisemites.

Okay, now the ping has announced the removal of the ‘fasten your seatbelts’ sign; there is a mass exodus towards the toilets situated in the rear of the aircraft.
Oh my, I hope the plane doesn’t tilt.

It didn’t and we arrived safely.
Upon arrival In Austria, we were welcomed by an immigration officer, who if she wasn’t named Helga by her parents should immediately dash to change her name by deed pole, tout sweet. She really looked like a Helga; built like a piece of furniture with an expression to match.
I don’t even want to think what she does in her spare time.

Now as opposed to the British who enjoy queuing (lining up in a line or a line like lining up), the Austrians take their queuing very seriously. So much so, that even a line to go to the ladies room is as quiet as library. Where, if you so much talk to your sister in law, who is also on line; everyone looks at you as if you just announced that the Fuehrer wore women’s undergarments.

And no one smiles.
Maybe it’s because of defective dental work- but maybe not.
Maybe it’s because their teeth are fluorescent yellow from smoking like chimneys- but maybe not.
Maybe it’s because there may not be anything to smile about in Austria- I think we might be onto a winner here.

But then again I might just be jumping the gun because we haven’t
left the airport yet.

(Okay, Mom, I’m writing the gramen now.)

38 Comments:

At 3:38 PM, Blogger MUST Gum Addict said...

Ooooooh! An airport story! I love those... :)

But today, I choose to focus my comment on your mention of how "Austria is in your backyard". Only because it reminds me of something I once heard while in Europe. You see, we were in Europe for Pesach (ah, exotic!) and I had become friendly with someone who lives in Antwerp. I distinctly remember a conversation we had over Chol Hamoed. Sitting outside in the cool evening air, drinking a "cafe" (don't you DARE call it "cawfee") and he's chain smoking (one forgets that EU doesn't have a surgeon general), and he turns to me and says "you... you fancy americanas. you think you are so important... (he pauses for effect, drags, then exhales smoke in my general direction)... you think you have it all. Me -- if I want to spend a romantic evening with my wife, I can get in the car and drive and in 3 hours, I'm in Paris"...

My response to him? "yeah, but it's easier to find a babysitter in NY"...

 
At 6:58 PM, Blogger Karl said...

Mazel Tov!
I a few airport stories I should write about sometime, but yours are always so much better!

 
At 8:03 PM, Blogger Mia said...

Hope you will have a good time in Vienna, it is a beautiful city and people are in general nice :)

I find that people working at airports are NEVER nice, they are always inpatient and unfriendly....

That´s the wonderful side of living in Europe, most cities are just a couple of hours by flight away :D

 
At 11:12 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

mazal tov!!

maybe your exuberant family will get the people to smile?!

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Must:
LOL!!!!
Well you gave it to him!!!
What's with those smoking people who exhale? It would be much better for all of us if they just inhaled the whole darn thing!

Karl:
Hi how are you???
How's Shoppy??
I'd love to hear your sories!

Mia:
You are right- I'd forgotten how pretty it is here!

Sarah:
Well, not quite smile- but we do get attention!

 
At 12:27 AM, Blogger Dot Co Dot Il said...

Just came back to Israel via Vienna. Wasn't that bad. Flying back to Israel I thought the plane would be empty but every single seat was taken!

 
At 4:09 AM, Blogger TRW said...

Sounds like fun! (For us reading it, anyway ;) )

That's gotta be an interesting wedding...can't wait to hear about it!

 
At 4:11 AM, Blogger torontopearl said...

Find some Kosher strudel and have a Viennese Coffee to go with that, then dance the Viennese Waltz.. THEN maybe you'll be able to be there.
Mazel Tov. Auf simchas!

 
At 4:12 AM, Blogger torontopearl said...

Oops, maybe I had too much Viennese coffee myself. Last line was supposed to say, "...then maybe you'll be HAPPY to be there." (where the heck did "able" come from?)

 
At 4:31 AM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

You are an awesome storyteller/writer but I don't need to tell you that. I forgot a comedian of course. Loved every word.

 
At 4:59 AM, Blogger Open Up! said...

thanx for the smile (as usual) mazel tov enjoy the wedding!

 
At 8:01 AM, Blogger Chasidishe Shaigitz said...

LOL your the best, mzal tov and enjoy!

 
At 8:54 AM, Blogger tafka PP said...

Kasamba- There may be nothing to smile about in Vienna, but there's the Sound of Music Tour just waiting for you in Salzburg- if you go, send me a postcard!!

BTW Americans- if you want to stay friends with any Brits, never, EVER refer to them as "European"!

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Wow! A fascinating airport story indeed.

I went to Vienna with our son on a tour with his orchestra. It is a beautiful city. But yes, for us Jews, lerking inside the cracks is of course the horrible image of all our loved ones.

This is what I loved about Israel. You could be a Jew, be comfortable, and feel like you were truly at one with your people.

Have a safe trip!

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Wow! A fascinating airport story indeed.

I went to Vienna with our son on a tour with his orchestra. It is a beautiful city. But yes, for us Jews, lerking inside the cracks is of course the horrible image of all our loved ones.

This is what I loved about Israel. You could be a Jew, be comfortable, and feel like you were truly at one with your people.

Have a safe trip!

 
At 9:23 PM, Blogger Pimplesoflife said...

sounds good!!! lol

 
At 12:49 AM, Blogger The Next Contender said...

Ok, this one was REALLY funny.

You're just funny.

you are.

 
At 4:53 AM, Blogger Nemo said...

Isn't European vactioning great?

Every country you go to has such personality and rich culture.

In America, the further west you get, the culture just keep on plummeting.

 
At 6:43 AM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

Sounds like fun to me.

 
At 3:39 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

Auf weidersehn

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger PsychoToddler said...

clear air-paths underneath us are occupied.

Like Poland.

 
At 12:16 AM, Blogger Chana said...

Hey lady!

I am currently in the process of spamming J-blogland, LOL.

I have a new URL - come and bookmark me! :)

 
At 6:03 AM, Blogger Sara with NO H said...

Hey I have a really good friend who married a guy from Austria and they live there. I hear the little frum community they have going on isn;t half bad. Come on Kasamba...how can anyone NOT smile around you? I have yet to read a post from you that didn't make me smile outside as well as in.

 
At 4:05 PM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

I understand your reluctance to go,I'm sure you made the best of the situation, even if there are Helgas everywhere.

 
At 5:05 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Dotcodot:
Where do all those people come from??
How's your princess?

Trw:
Stay tuned!

Toronto Pearl:
I ate studel and thought of you!

Social worker:
What a lovely compliment- thanks!

Openup:
Thank you!

Chassideshe shaigetz:
So are you!!!

TafkaPP:
'The Hills are alive.. la la dee da dum lala la'

Barbara:
Thanks!You are 100%- that is exactly how I feel!

Pimples of life:
Thanks!!!

 
At 5:08 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

The next contnder:
*I'm blushing- ta!

Nemo:
The culture is fab!

Jacks Shack:
It was!

Limey:
Danke!!!

PT:
Exactly!

Chana:
As soon as I figure it out, i'll do it!

Sara with no H:
They really are a nice community! You are too kind!

Prag:
You are so right!!!

 
At 10:09 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

LOL....
Yess...I went to Austria a few years back...and thats exactly what it was like. and yes..I also got Helga!

After my trip..I wanted to kiss the black american passport control guy....

 
At 6:55 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

David:
I know what you mean!

 
At 5:50 PM, Blogger Bonnie B said...

I had trouble commenting yesterday, so I returned today.

Loved the airport story-- but now I can't get the image of yellow smoker's teeth and bad dental work out of my head-- grrrrr.

 
At 12:28 PM, Blogger Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Meanwhile, my offspring are the ultimate in British refinement and deportment as they cruch their Bamba and shout out with their mouths full to their cousins who are also on board this flight 740 to Vienna, Austria.

Sounds more like run-of-the-mill Israeli kiddos. You sure you don't like here?

 
At 6:42 PM, Blogger Jameel @ The Muqata said...

I meant, you sure you don't LIVE here...

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Bonnie:
I know, yuck!

Jameel:
Yup, quite sure.

 
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