Wednesday, December 6

The Land Of the Rising High Rises Part One

Aloha Blogger-sans!
Okay, so maybe Aloha is not Chinese.
And maybe it’s the Japanese and not the Chinese that say that whole ‘san’ business.
So, I can’t speak Chinese.
Oh, big deal. Sue me.

I write to you just having come back from the Land of the Rising High Rises.
Yes that’s right, I was in Hong Kong.

Every so often Mr Kasamba takes me on one of his many, many, many fun, oops! I mean, business trips.

I love Hong Kong.
I love the smell of soy that pervades the air.
I love the energy, the hustle bustle and of course, the people.
The exuberance and friendliness of the Hong Konganese can be found no where else. They are always smiling and their enthusiasm is infectious. They are like Disney characters on steroids.
They are positively perky.

To me they all look similar and I know this is a sore point to them. You see, us Caucasians look different because of our varying hair colour, hair texture, eye colour, facial features and height. However, most Chinese can be physically interchangeable. Because of this they go to outrageous lengths to assert their individuality. They will dye and perm their beautifully natural black, poker straight hair until it resembles an Edward Scissorhands creation and wear outlandish fashions on their fabulously whippet thin bodies, in a bid to stick out from the crowd. Ironically, their nonconformity makes them look that much more alike and indistinguishable.

Let’s go back to the whippet thin bodies they have. They are all so thin. I don’t recall ever having seen any fat people there unless they hide them from the public eye like they do in Beverly Hills. The largest size they carry in most stores is an American size four, so most westerners coming to Hong Kong have to pray that their suitcases don’t get lost in transit. Heaven forbid if western women do indeed find themselves in need of new garments, they can ask for their size (which on the odd occasion they will have in stock) only to have the Sales assistant yell at her associate in Cantonese, “Hey, Chow Min, bring out the Bedouin tents!”


I think I know why they are so thin:
1- The food that they sell is squirmy.
If you walk past the food stalls, they are full of wriggly, squishy, slimy things that are either covered in sauce or au natural. Most of the time, they are still alive. Put it this way, what they call food is when I would call the exterminators.
It’s enough to put Pavarotti right off his spaghetti.

2- They eat with their mouths open.
If you have ever had the pleasure of watching Chinese people eat, you might like to arm yourself with a cocktail umbrella to shield yourself from the food fallout. Whether it is rice or dried fish (the smellier, grosser choice) whatever they chew, as fast as they chew, it’s flying all over the place, left right and centre.
Hence, they are so thin because so little remains in their mouths.

Hey, you know this is not the end, I still have so much more to say!
It is only the;
End of Part One

Siyonara!
(Okay, okay, I know that's not Chinese either- oh, give me a break)
Chinese/ Japanese/Iceberg/Goldberg; it's all the same.
Sue me.

28 Comments:

At 4:15 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

Welkommen...
hmm thats not chinese..?
You have the ability to make everything so exciting..and funny!
and I thought the F train was exciting

 
At 4:16 PM, Blogger Ezzie said...

The F train is exciting! (Okay, not really.)

Hilarious again, Kasamba. :) Why can't you come here!?

 
At 4:29 PM, Blogger Jameel @ The Muqata said...

I love Hong Kong as well.

But I didn't know it was "soy" that everything smelled of.

And if you really want to see the creepy crawly "food" - Thailand's the place to go.

I recall a shuk with containers of:

caramel covered ants
fried roaches
long legged spiders

And other such stuff.

 
At 6:37 PM, Blogger Shopaholic said...

Sounds like you had a really nice time! would love to check out Hong Kong one day...though first I gotta get to Italy, thats been on my list for forever!
I acutally work with an Asian women who tells us all the time all the (live) things she eats...OMG!! in one word- EWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!! and then she tells me that GEFILTA FISH is gross! a coworker once gave her a peice to try! LOL

David- try the A train which goes to Far Rockaway...i heard it's pretty dark and each ride is an experiance you'll never forget!

 
At 7:50 PM, Blogger RaggedyMom said...

Your (hilarious) accounts sound like those of one of my grandfathers (ob'm) who was in Shanghai during the Holocaust - the impressions that they had of their surroundings made up some of his best stories.
My brother-in-law goes to Shanghai for work regularly, and one of RaggedyDad's close friends is willingly being transferred to Hong Kong for two years by his law firm. We'll see what ensues!

 
At 10:34 PM, Blogger yingerman said...

more more more!

please?

 
At 11:35 PM, Blogger Baleboosteh said...

Hong Kong huh?... Lucky you! I would love to go overseas!

Great post, looking forward to the next 'part' :D

 
At 4:22 AM, Blogger workingema said...

hing fung chang foo yang
(I learnt that from a sing-along video my parents have, so I'm not really sure it's chinese- but it sounds good!)

and hey, you should check out 8th ave in bklyn. I doubt you'll want to go to China just from the food you'll see and smell.....

Ya made me laugh again!!:o)

 
At 5:06 AM, Blogger Maven said...

new chabad mikveh there...

 
At 5:10 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

sounds fun!

so how much shopping did you do?
no, really?!?

 
At 5:51 AM, Blogger Mia said...

Hilarious! Would love to go HongKong one day (and take enough close in the hand-luggage to make sure I have something to wear!)

Ok, waiting for the second part now!!

 
At 4:39 PM, Blogger Hila said...

Hilarious, as usual!!! I'm sure you're just being silly, but Aloha is Hawaiian, Japan is the country where they use the "san" ending, and it's also where you would say "Sayonara." In China I know the expression for hello but I'm not sure about good-bye. Hello is "Nihao Ma"...

Ooook yes I'm a big dork. Sue me. I lived in Japan for a year, so I learned that kinda stuff. Plus I grew up in the Pacific Northwest, and you learn to tell the difference between them pretty quickly (Do NOT make the mistake of asking someone if he/she is Chinese because if they are Korean/Japanese/Vietnamese, he/she will be peeeeeved)

--Hila

 
At 7:13 PM, Blogger Amishav said...

Have you found any places that sell Kosher squirmy things? Or maybe just a place that sells Kosher things?

 
At 11:59 PM, Blogger Bonnie B said...

Squirmy food and stick thin people in outlandish costumes-- it sounds like something out of a children's book

Glad you had a good time

 
At 12:12 AM, Blogger the sabra said...

u recently popped into my head, kasamba, so i came to say shalom.

(er just one request-its gettin kinda squishy in there-mind steppin out for a bit?)

good shabbos :)

 
At 12:41 AM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Wow sounds really amazing.

 
At 2:06 AM, Blogger cruisin-mom said...

you are the funniest, and most polite, politically incorrect person i've ever encountered...hysterical

 
At 6:02 AM, Blogger Nemo said...

You get around...

Why didn't you drop in to Australia once you were so far east?

 
At 6:50 AM, Blogger BagelUndertheCouch said...

hahahahahah, wow, i just think you outlined my new diet plan.

 
At 12:30 PM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

you sure don't make amazing publicity for HK, but then again the long travel is a killer in itself.

 
At 11:45 PM, Blogger Sara with NO H said...

I would actually love to visit all the orients. I figured since I hate fish so much, I shouldn't bother. uch.

 
At 3:15 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

David:
I still think the F train is exciting!

Ezzie:
I will one day...

Jameel:
Gross!

Shoppale:
Italy is closer!

Raggedymom:
He sounds fascinating!!

Yingerman:
Comin right up!

Balaboosteh:
The best part of any trip is going to the bathroom without the kiddies banging on the door!

Workingema;
Thank you!

Maven:
Good to know!

Sarah:
It's in part two!

Mia:
Tune in!

Hila:
Sue me first!!!
I won't make that mistake!

Amishav;
Look at part two!

Bonnie:
It is!! Thanks!

Sabra:
How u doin?

Socialworker:
Thanks!

Crusin:
That was the nicest compliment!!!! THANKS!!!

Nemo:
One day....

Bagelundercouch:
It would work too!

Prag:
You are so pragmatic!!!!

Sara with no H;
Unless you like to eat domestic animals....

 
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