Friday, November 3

The Traffic War-Dons

It is said that the eyes are the mirror of the soul, and as I stared into the cold dark eyes of the Traffic Warden, all I saw was: Joy, glee, gladness.

Jubilation that he had nabbed another punter, put another notch on his uniform belt, and snared another unsuspecting bug into his web of bureaucratic legal penalties.

Do I blame him?
No.
Ever since time immemorial, the British Traffic Wardens have been vilified for doing their job with enthusiasm.
Do I malign and disparage them?
No, I do not.

For I, Kasamba, know something that most people do not.
Lucky for you I will share the inside story with you.
Yes, once again, I Kasamba, am the bearer of the TRUTH.

You see my cyber-bloggy buddies, in the UK the traffic wardens are not trained to be sadistic… they are born that way.
Yes, my friends, it is shocking but true.

Back in the glory days, when Britain ruled the world and the sun shone from every British backside, the British had conquered numerous lands and isles. However, unbeknownst to most, one of those islands still belongs to Britain.

This island located in the Caribbean is called Antagonigua and it is there that you will find the colony of the Traffic Wardens.

There, children are raised to go a step beyond apathy. There they learn shaudenfreude; which is the glee found in someone else’s misery, the pleasure found in another’s misfortune, and then some. They are taught that their personal reward is directly parallel to someone else’s distress.

Therefore, where our children are innocent, giving, loving children; their children are trained to wipe out any remnant of that nature in order for them to become Traffic Wardens.

Once they are shipped to England, the poor Traffic Wardens start doing their job.
But what of their social life?
Is there a place in society for people for whom someone’s anguish means job satisfaction?
Obviously not.

After all, who could bring a Traffic Warden home to mother?

Therefore, the British Government has set up secret social mixers for the aforementioned Traffic Wardens to allow them to socialise and mix with people who are as disturbed as they are. The only other sect of society they could possibly mix with are Wheel Clampers, but that is another post entirely.

One thing I feel I must warn you, my darlings, my most dearest dumplings:
Be very careful and wary NOT to smile, make eye contact or be pleasant to any Traffic Wardens, EVER……
Because it just might short circuit their wiring.

25 Comments:

At 11:28 AM, Blogger The Next Contender said...

Well done!

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

My dearest Kniedel

You should totally send this in to the Telegraph

lol

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger jemima3 said...

Too right....no point in trying to communicate with one as they are also totally devoid of any common sense. Did they get you lately? My best one yet was when my car had been in an accident, smashed glass everywhere making it too dangerous to even get inside, I was waiting for the insurance company to tow it away and along came one of these sub humans and issued me with a ticket!

 
At 1:11 PM, Blogger Also A Chussid said...

Are those British Traffic Wardens related to the Traffic Police we have here in NYC?

Oh! And sorry for the summons you got…

 
At 1:45 PM, Blogger MUST Gum Addict said...

OK, spill the beans---how fast were you going?

 
At 1:54 PM, Blogger Nemo said...

At least there are SOME happy people in England!

 
At 6:09 PM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

youre nuts :)
i love it!
(and i have to say.. the comments you got so far, are almost as good as your post!)

 
At 10:30 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

traffic wardens... by any chance are these shadenfreudenistic beings somehow related to the 'cone man' that you wrote about oh, so, very long ago?

shavua tov! :)

 
At 10:09 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

The Next Contender:
Thanks!!
I miss you!

TOWIK:
Thank you my Lukshon Kugel!

Jemima;
They get me all the time!
You're right- they are sub human!

AAChussid:
They might be...

Must:
Fast enough that I should have been just a ray of light...

Nemo:
At whose expense???

Anonym00kie:
I am and proud!!!
I looooove the commments!

Sarah:
Somehow I don't think so... Cone Man seems more human...

 
At 12:36 AM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Wow you have a way of making everything come to life. Wish I was there to see Kasamba in action lol.

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger Lvnsm27 said...

wow indeed

 
At 11:54 PM, Blogger BarbaraFromCalifornia said...

Kudos to you!

Perosnally, I am quite intimidated by the traffic wardens!

 
At 1:19 AM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

lol...
I know some people that can be made honorary citizens of Antagonigua

 
At 4:32 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Socialwoker: Thanks, sweetie!

Ivnsm27:
Ta!

Barbara;
So was I until I figures out that they were only pseudo humans.

David:
Now that you mention it, so do I!

 
At 1:28 PM, Blogger tafka PP said...

Funny! UK Traffic wardens and the cone men are the same genus, different species.

Don't even get me started on the Israeli counterparts.

 
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