Friday, May 19

The Only Man In England Who WORKS

Hello Y'all!

Living in the UK as long as I have, affords me the opportunity to observe and analyse the British way of life. I look at it as a huge sociological experiment with me at the microscope studying the British, as one would study an amoeba.

Ahhhh you say, but surely the English are more interesting than a one cell organism with pseudopods?????

And so they are.
Today boys and girls we are going to learn about : (Drum roll please….)

The Only Man in England Who Works.

Most people do not work in England. They go to the pub and talk about how hard life is and then they go home, make teas and watch football on the telly.

The only man in England who works is the Cone Man. You know him, he is the person who puts out all the orange cones on roads. You never actually see the Cone Man but you know he’s been there because he has lined up all his sweet orange cones-literally roping off highways and byways, streets and passageways.

I imagine that he is hideously ugly, a cross between Quasimodo and the weirdo in Phantom of the Opera. He takes pride in his work though, because his little conies are always arranged just so, meticulously spread apart. Some days, you can see that life is not so good for Cone Man, either he’s upset or he’s been drinking because then the cones are willy-nilly and scattered about.
It is then I feel sad for Cone Man.

But it is then I feel sad for me too, a resident of this dismal isle.
Because Cone Man works and no one else does;
THE STREETS STAY ROPED OFF FOREVER!!!

Cone Man will take a four lane highway and cone it off into one lane. This causes what I like to call ‘The Funnel Effect’, where only the fastest, largest, most obnoxious cars get through. (I won’t tell you what category my car goes into).

Therefore, construction never ceases because it never bloomin’ starts!!!!

Ahh well, I wonder, does Cone Man treat his cones like family?
Does he wash them lovingly after their sojourn on the streets?
Do you think he knows that I have three of them in my garage?

But all those questions are for nought- the main thing we learn from this is that;

The Cone Man has a laudable work ethic.

Much to our distress.
(Amoeba’s don’t much care about traffic)

-

51 Comments:

At 12:37 AM, Blogger s.J. said...

nah. doesn't exist.
everyone knows the cone man's just an urban legend.
they fall from the sky or s/t.

 
At 12:48 AM, Blogger turquoiseblue said...

you are so LOL funny! thanks for the smiles!!

 
At 1:39 AM, Blogger G Green said...

You seriously have too much time on your hands!
But thanks for the laugh.

 
At 3:55 AM, Blogger Nemo said...

I've seen the cone man once. But this is when he was in NYC {is he like the tooth fairy or something?}.

It actually amazing to watch him put down the cones, he can put it down without ever getting off the back of his pickup truck. When he clears his treasured cones, he simply sits on the back of the truck stacking and scooping.

The most evil thing that one can do to the innocnt cone man is knock over one of his cones, he then has to hop down from the pickup truck to feth it.

 
At 5:45 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

i think aussies are lazier. but we just call it 'laid back' or 'easygoing'.

nevertheless, hats off to the cone man. or roadwork men who put up the orange tape and big barriers. they would be related to the cone man?

(and the secret's safe - we won't tell the cone man you have some of his, um, family, in your garage...)

 
At 5:46 AM, Blogger Amishav said...

Some amoebas are really interesting, like the ones that cause dysentery, and if you are saying that the English are more interesting than that, well, that's a highly debatable subject. But wait, before I get smacked in the face with a tea cozy- I would just like to say that I really like the Queen and Marmite. Really. I have two jars in the cupboard right now- one that I'm using and one as a spare. I bet the cone guy likes it too -that and the Queen of course.

 
At 9:37 AM, Blogger jemima3 said...

Actually the cone man has a sense of humour. Everytime there's a bank holiday coming up he chooses the busiest stretch of motorway to cordon off just for the hell of it and then takes them down again afterwards! ...........How very sad for you Kasamba to be stuck in this 'dismal isle'

 
At 10:33 AM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

too funny as usual...
I believe you'd 'fargin' him to finally take some vacation.
If he takes a few of his cones along, do you think he'll be charged for overweight?

 
At 11:48 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

SJ;
Maybe WE ALL don't exist.

Turquoise:
Thanks Darlin'!

GGreen:
You mean everyone else has LIVES????

Nemo:
You have seen the elusive Cone Man!!!!
But he might just be a relative of our Cone Man here!

 
At 11:53 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Sarah:
I wonder if orange tape and barriers mean the same to the people who put them up?
Hmmm... somehow I don't think so.

Amishav:
The Queens great, but marmite- YUCK!
I bet dung beetles taste better. (not that I'd know...)

Jemima:
You think Cone Man has it out for us???
Hey, it IS dismal- it's SUMMER for heavens sake- WHERE IS THE SUN??????

Prag:
He does deserve a vacation!
Can you imagine the overwieght those cones would cost him if he went Ryan Air?

 
At 3:18 PM, Blogger Bonnie B said...

Sometimes I feel like a trapped science rat in a cheese maze with a thousand other frustrated rats. I always hit the cone zone when I'm runnning five minutes late and my daughter's have to "visit the facilities."

I think Cone Man 's mazes are unofficial unsobriety tests.

O.K. Maybe not, but when there is no traffic and the maze is really snakey isn't it just a tad bit fun?

So maybe he works for the Department of Frustration (excuse me transportation), Recreation and Criminal Justice

 
At 3:44 PM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Funny I had the image of English being very serious and into work. Hey I learned s/t important.

 
At 3:54 PM, Blogger s.J. said...

whoa. too early in the morning for philosophy

 
At 4:09 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

love the conspiracy, cones do come out on bank holidays! lol

 
At 4:16 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

you mean the north circular and M1 have more than one lane??? I never knew

 
At 4:33 PM, Blogger Also A Chussid said...

Kasamba,

Really funny. I guess it wasn’t funny to you while sitting in traffic, or pushing your way through depending on what type of vehicle you have.

 
At 7:18 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

BonnieB;
LOL!
I think if I would get a really cool prize at the end of the maze, MAYBE then I'd think it was fun!

Socialworker:
I wish!
Just think Faulty Towers.

Sj:
Did you mean the morning as in the spiritual sense?
You are sooooo deep.

Kishmech:
I am NEVER returning those cones now.

Limey:
Apparently the place where people sell 10 roses for £1.50 was originaly a place where cars once drove.

Also a Chussid:
Nope, not so funny then!
But I must tell you what I lack in stature I make up for by driving a huge obnoxious vehicle!

 
At 8:51 PM, Blogger s.J. said...

no. i'm sooooo lost.

 
At 11:32 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

i will now have to pay more attention to see if there is a man whose specific job is to put out cones. to be honest, it's not something i've paid so much attention to before!!

shavua tov :)

 
At 11:57 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Sj:
You're not lost, you're in the basement!

Sarah:
If you do see him- will you take a photo?

 
At 3:12 AM, Blogger s.J. said...

but the lights are out.
and i can't see.
(so theoretically i could be in a dungeon in russia. or in a box in the back of fedex truck. with that in mind, i can be as lost as my mind thinks it to be.)

 
At 3:56 AM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Okay whatever you say. I learn new things every day.

 
At 7:44 AM, Blogger The real me said...

Its more like there was once a cone man... Now all we have left are the cones...

 
At 2:39 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Sj;
Whoa...

Socialworker;
LOL!

TheRealMe;
Now that's an entirely new theory...
I like it.

 
At 3:35 PM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

hmm.. i wonder if the cone man is single.. good work ethic, reserved, discreet, independent, big family (but doesnt seem to mind if some of them end up hidden in the garage), rides a truck (sexy!), a fairy tale prince! hook me up!

 
At 4:40 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Anonym00kie:
Almost fairytale, yes.
That's if you like princes that look like hobgolblins!

 
At 7:42 PM, Blogger Moiy-rah said...

lol, your very funny.

i actually heard about the cone man.

see here (in my planet) the people with the best jobs are teh flag waivers. They shut the street and waive the flag. They just waive it even if no construction is happening. they are just happily waving their flags.

My next life- i'm gonna be a flag waiver on beach channel drive. Just waivin the flag, and get a good pension.

-mmmmmmoooiiyyyy ( i need speech therapy)

 
At 8:06 PM, Blogger FrumGirl said...

What about the constable that goes around every evening and morning firs t lighting and then extinguishing the street lamps? We are talking about Britain, right?

LOL, I've watched too many Disney movies starring Julie Andrews.

 
At 8:42 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Moiyrah:
No, you're funny!
Imagine flag waving as a job? How does someone get a promotion- do they get bigger flags? Do they end up waving flags when they get home to signal their moods or that supper is ready?
You better find all these things out before you sign up for it.


Frumgirl:
LOL! Come to think of it- I've never seen him either!!!!

 
At 10:21 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

Veryu funny..LOL
The incredible thing is...how they manage to shuttle back and forth from New York every day..in time for the morning commute in LOndon..

 
At 11:44 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

For once, Kasamba -
I think the comments topped the Post!!
LOL
There is nothing I can add at the moment, but a really Gezunte, Geshmake, Uproariously Loud and Snorting Laugh!!
LOLOLOL!
This was great -
I WANT MORE!

 
At 11:48 PM, Blogger cruisin-mom said...

LOLOLOL...I saw a cone man...once...only once.

 
At 2:37 AM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

Actually....

I shouldnt really be saying saying this...but since I'm anonymous...I will...
In a few weeks sceintists will anounce something that will forver alter the way we understand everything...about ourselves..
There is irrefutable evidence it seems..that The Cones have inhabited this planet millions of years before humans first appeared..

 
At 11:55 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

david:
Legend has it that he travels in a giant cement truck clutching his precious cones, as he flies over the Atlantic. It's a good thing you're anonymous too- Your 'Cones Predate the World' theory might seem threatening to Opus Dei.

theonlywayiknow:
I know!!! The comments are brilliant!!!

CrusinMom:
Now THAT'S something to tell the grandkids!

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger almost_frei said...

LMAO!

Something I love about this country!

We have had the street in front of us closed of for hours sometimes, and nothing ever gets done....

like what else is new....

 
At 6:11 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

http://www7.nationalgeographic.com/ngm/0606/feature1/index.html#england

 
At 6:18 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

Kas, you gotta read this National Geographic on Footbal(soccer)
"the beautiful Game, why soccer rules the world"
Or why Football rule Kasamba's Life

 
At 7:01 PM, Blogger Okee said...

Ah, Kasamba!! You crack me up!!

And now that you mention it, yesterday, as I was driving for the very first time from manhattan to brooklyn, there was a temporary lane marked by CONES that said I should take it to the tunnel, and as I was going into the tunnel, I was struck by the thought that the Cone man was perhaps evil and made the lane only for me so i'd go into the tunnel the wrong way--you see, i was in the left lane of the tunnel, which here in the u.s., is usually a no-no, and my panic level started rising quickly...until I saw a car behind me, and realized both lanes were going the same direction. whew, I was in the "right" lane after all! :)

 
At 7:40 PM, Blogger hisbonenus said...

Very cute Kasamba! Interesting how a previous post on my blog on the same subject of cones looked at it entirely from a different angle. :)

And I have seen a few cone men in my days - very, very evil-looking men, indeed.

 
At 1:13 AM, Blogger Moiy-rah said...

dearest kasamba,

let me tell you- i had cone trauma today!

i was on my way to work, and the flag man was home with an ingrown toenail, so no one was there to warn me.

i was driving over the bridge (2 lanes) and i was going 70 in the left lane. In the right lane, next to me, there was a dump-truck. Right wehn we got off the bridge, the trucks lane ended and he went crashing into all the cones and held up traffic, while i escaped in my ford. :)

ladies and gent,--this is why we need teh cone man and the flag man. What good is the cone man without his other half? They come together. Its like french with fries. They cant be seperated. Like be have. its two words, but it means one.

True story- btw. From this morning, btw.

moiyrah, btw.

 
At 3:31 AM, Blogger Karl said...

All is good!

 
At 5:35 AM, Blogger Shopaholic said...

Moiy- The new flag man is THE perfect profession for Mr. Moiy!

 
At 8:46 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Almost Frei:
You gotto LOVE it!

Limey:
i told you that the English were like a socialogical experiment to be studied!!
This explains alot!

Okee:
Is Cone Man just a shaliach to test us? Hmmmmm....

Hibonenus:
You have been zoyche to see a few Cone Men, maybe your dimensions are much more OPEN than mine are!

Moiy- Rah:
WOW!
What an experience!
Glad you were okay, but here in the UK Flag Man never makes it out onto the streets, cuz he's in the pub, remember!

 
At 8:47 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Karl:
You know, I know!!!!
(wink, wink)

Shopoholic:
Well, let's ask Moiy-Rah then!!!

 
At 8:44 AM, Blogger tafka PP said...

(Kasamba, dear, you have to "ping" or I don't know you've been churning out such Pulitzer Prize-winning stuff)

And now that you've had 40 zillion comments to answer, my only question is: Have you ever called the "Cone Hotline"?!

 
At 4:55 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Tafka PP:
OMG- there's a Cone Hotline????
Probably not the Pulitzer, but maybe the Golden Rasberry award?

 
At 12:58 PM, Blogger tafka PP said...

Indeed there is. Next time you drive on a motorway with roadworks, look out for the sign...

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

TafkaPP:
Whoa.

 
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