Thursday, June 22

KIDSPEAK

Recently, I stumbled across of few of my kids diaries. “Hey”, I thought to myself, “ they can write!”. Then, deciding that since my children are an extension of myself, and therefore there is no Inyon of invasion of privacy, I decided to see what they did write.

The first diary I happened to find was Asparagus’s. I chanced upon it under her mattress, covered in a shoe bag, wrapped in a pyjama top, and bound with ribbon which I had to cut in order to release it. I opened it to the date of March 7th, a Tuesday. It read as follows:

Dearest Diary,
Today in school, all my friends decided to make a birthday party for my very good friend, Strawberry. I was so excited that when I came home, I made Daddy buy me a whole load of nosh. Then do you know what Artichoke did? The chutzpah, he actually helped himself to some of it! So naturally, I screamed and screamed. So do you know what he did? The chutzpah, he poked me sooooo hard, I actually thought I was going to faint! I bet I have a black and blue mark, but I’m too scared to check!

Diary, who will marry me now?
Anyway it all ended up okay, because Artichoke got in really big trouble, so I feel much better.

On a different note, Mummy is still blogging away. I think it’s so wonderful!
Till tomorrow my dearest diary, goodbye!
Love,
Asparagus


The next diary I found was Artichoke’s, hidden under a drawer full of empty crisp packets. Once again, I opened it to Tuesday, March 7th to see his version of events. This is what he wrote:

Diary, Oh yeah, Hello.
Today I went to school. Big deal. Boooring. Blah, Blah Blah. Then I came home and found out that Asparagus has another birthday party. Another party!! She has parties every two seconds!
Those girls would make a birthday party every time a new animal is born in London Zoo.
Then she goes with Daddy and gets a truckload of nosh. So, I took one measly packet, and she goes all mental and ballistic! Then she starts screaming that I poked her. I didn’t even touch her! I always get in trouble for things I didn’t do!
But it’s okay, when Asparagus wasn’t looking , I went into her room and touched everything.

By the way, Mum’s so busy blogging, I can’t even talk her properly, not that I’d want to anyway!
Whatever. Who cares. Bye.
Artichoke



The last diary I found was Cucumber’s; my little, tiny girl who is in nursery. Hers was a bit more difficult to find, because I had to search through several months worth of Barbie magazine’s to find it. The strange thing was not only the diary itself, but, the other book that was hidden alongside it. It was a copy of Stephen Hawkings book, ‘A Brief History of Time’. Stranger still, it was worn out. So, I opened her diary and checked out the date of March 7th, and this is what I found.

Salutations Diary!
Once again I found myself enduring the ceaselessly repetitive school system. In order to preserve my façade, yet still retain my intellect, I sat through story time doing mental exercises in quantum physics.
I can’t seem to fathom why the populace has yet to detect the vast extent of my brilliance.

Today my siblings have provided me with much mirth and amusement. The Artichoke – Asparagus dance never fails to delight me. One can always be certain that life in our house is never dull. It is so gratifying to take part in such a stimulating sociological experiment.

To digress, my maternal unit is obsessed with a relatively recent phenomenon called ‘blogging’. She does not know that I see her fingers itching to return to her computer and record her thoughts.

I think she is in dire need of therapy.
Farewell, until next time,
Cucumber

Then I noticed in small letters at the bottom of the page,
P.S. It was I who poked Asparagus!

53 Comments:

At 9:15 AM, Blogger jemima3 said...

very good. You should go global with this - a sort of jewish version of the Simpsons. Cucumber, being the deep and thoughtful one, who gets to play the Homer character?

 
At 9:37 AM, Blogger jemima3 said...

oh yeah, and message from your little vegetables - get off the computer!

 
At 10:08 AM, Blogger student said...

a laugh a minute- and i second jemima!!
its wierd how exactly the same things seem to happen in every single family..... ;}

 
At 10:37 AM, Blogger Dot Co Dot Il said...

There is only one Queen Bee of the blogging community and its you.

What a wonderful post :)

 
At 10:43 AM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

Hilarious!
And what healthy little names, they should serve their names at the parties discussed.
So blogging is what bothers them most about their mother? You are a great parent!

 
At 12:00 PM, Blogger TheGirl said...

Down here if i wanna keep a diary,i use the computer bc thats the only thing my Mother doesnt know how to use.... Lol... Great post...

 
At 12:41 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

Oh dear, Oh dear -
was that too funny, or what!

can't decide whose diary is my favourite -
you have the greatest kids!!!
lots of nachas!
btw - if you should BY CHANCE come upon tomato's and radish's diary - hidden behind a painting, in a metal box that's drilled into a hole in the wall, and secured with the latest hi tech combination security lock.....
and STUMBLE upon what they wrote
....
Let us know!!

 
At 12:42 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

eeeevill laugh!!!
lolol

 
At 1:21 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Jemima:
Global, a series, I like, I like...
Ooops, no can do- I forgot- my kids still need shidduchim!
BTW- got the message!

Student:
Thanks- you mean my family's not unique???
Thank G-d!!!

Dotcodot:
*Blush- thank ya!
I was actually a Queen Bee this purim!

Prag:
Wow- ta!
I'll tell them you said so!

Thegirl:
Nowadays, the more techno it is the more you can hide stuff from the oldies!

theonlyway:
Amen!!!
I definetly will search, I mean stumble into them....
(joining your evil laugh- so it's an evil laugh in stereo- ha, haaa, HAAAAAAAAAAA)

 
At 1:45 PM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

LOL :)

If your kids are an extension of yourself then, aside from privacy issues, you should have no doubt in the world of their writing abilities!

Just make sure that you put the diaries back in the same spot you found them and replace the ribbon you cut to release Asparagus's! ;)

 
At 1:49 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

lol. nuts......i second the simpson suggestion from jemima....a sophisticated bakers dozen type book.

 
At 2:15 PM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

you make me laugh so hard, your kids are so lucky!! what a fun house you must run..

 
At 2:30 PM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Great how your kids get your writing abilities and choose to express themselves on paper. They definitely are an extension of you. Cute, funny stuff they write about. I love their veggie names.

 
At 5:09 PM, Blogger Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Excellent! Why does all your salad write with British English terms?

I would have thought you would have taught them proper American ones as well?!

(As long as they don't watch the World Cup, I guess they're OK)

Have a Great Shabbat!

 
At 6:08 PM, Blogger jim said...

Besides the ususal, how good you have presented this offering, excellently, the content is amazing and thought provoking to me because of raising so many children, my mind is already scanning decades of past time and ages.

New perspectives on Present facts.

 
At 6:29 PM, Blogger A Frum Idealist said...

I hate to be repetitive, but ....
Excellent!!! This was brilliantly done.

How will you restore the ribbon so that Asparagus doesn't know that you read her diary? I know that you feel that it's not invasion of privacy, but I'm sure she will.
;-)

Interesting also how you provide three completely different perspectives to both the "incident" as well as to your blogging habits. Hmmmmmmm.
Is that what each of them thinks? Or are you portraying all the possibilities?

Very amusing and interesting.

 
At 6:46 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

lol.....u sound like u have the cutest bunch of vegetables...(the good kind..)

Kids are really the cutest and smartest...they have this sense of whats going on that amazes me!

btw..on an ethical note...ahem...

j/k

keep it up Your Majesty...

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger s.J. said...

hee.

 
At 8:15 PM, Blogger Chana said...

LOL!!!

My elder, the Bagel, and the younger, the Salamander, want to know why I'm laughing so hard!

 
At 8:20 PM, Blogger the sabra said...

do you feel awkward in front of cucumber now?

 
At 9:02 PM, Blogger Bonnie B said...

The message: the little ones get away with everything-- and they know everything because they are the watchers.
Oh yeah, and get off the computer.

 
At 9:24 PM, Blogger PsychoToddler said...

I'm going to go on the assumption that these are "simulated" diary entrees, because reading a kid's diary can lead to some BAD parent/child karma. That's one thing I will NOT do.

However, 3 of my kids have blogs, and I find very interesting the things they choose to blog about and their differing styles.

 
At 9:26 PM, Blogger kollel mama said...

cute :)

 
At 9:42 PM, Blogger Bonnie B said...

When i wrote, get off the computer-- I didn't mean just you. I spend way too much time ont he computer and it drives my family nuts

 
At 2:43 AM, Blogger Ayelet said...

Fabulous!

best comment award goes to The Sabra (which figures because we sabras totally rule)!

 
At 4:16 AM, Blogger Genendy said...

Absolutely delicious! (And I don't mean the vegetables.)

 
At 4:39 AM, Blogger the sabra said...

hey thanks ayelet! ain lach moosag kama ani ma'arechet et zeh..davka achshav sh'ani margisha kmo charah..

(u a sabra?)

 
At 10:54 AM, Blogger exsemgirl said...

Now I know that the reason I have never given into my itch to write a diary was actually valid...:P
Hmmm...I don't think I could have handled that kind of invasion of my privacy...but it sure does make a great read!

 
At 12:29 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Sarah:
Thank you - everything's put back just so!

Kish:
The kids will just looooove that!

Anym00kie:
My house is more like a loony-bin!

Social worker:
They certainly are expressive!

Jameel:
They ARE British ya know!
Thank G-d, only half of them watch the world cup!

Jim:
You say the most erudite things - thanks!!

Afrumidealist:
Oh do go on...
I mean go on...
It's so funny how one incident can have many different perspectives in my house!

David:
They are cute veggies -
ethical note duly noted. Ta!

Sj:
Hoo!

Chana:
Bagel & Salamander - I like it!

Sabra:
Yes. She knows too much!

Bonnie:
They do - and I will!

Phychotoddler:
You're the expert-
you tell me if they're real!

Kolle mama:
Thanks!

Bonnie B:
I know sweetie!

Ayelet:
Wow - thanks! Sabra rocks!

Genendy:
Thanks - I'm glad you liked!

Exsem:
Oh your mom will miss out on knowing soo much!

 
At 12:36 PM, Blogger Asparagus said...

happened?





HAPPENED TO CUT A RIBBON?????





HAPPENED?????!!!!!!

 
At 3:28 PM, Blogger PsychoToddler said...

Told you.

 
At 3:31 PM, Blogger PsychoToddler said...

BTW your daughter in nursery is quite the precocious writer. I say she skips elementary school and goes straight to Grad School.

 
At 4:19 PM, Blogger notahottie said...

lol you crack me up! thanks for a great laugh! did you ever consider a career in writing? you do it so well!

 
At 12:35 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Asparagus:
Well, um, sort of, yeah...
Oh, just go to sleep.

psychotoddler:
ok, you might have had a point.

I was quite hoping she'd go straight to med school.

Notahottie:
Thank you so much!!!!
(I was a speechwriter for 13 years!)

 
At 5:53 AM, Blogger cruisin-mom said...

Your little nursery school vegetable is quite brilliant. I could learn a thing or two from her.
Were you really a speech writer for 13 years? (not that I find that surprising at all with your talent)

 
At 8:10 AM, Blogger Ezzie said...

LOLOLOLOL

Ah, this was great. I'm surprised someone said Simpsons, though: I immediately thought of Family Guy, with Asparagus being Meg, Artichoke being Chris, and Cucumber being Stewie. :)

They DO have Family Guy in the UK, right?!

 
At 9:16 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Crusin Mom:
Indeed, her wisdom knows no limits...
Yup, thirteen years of deadlines and deliveries!
As for the compliment; *blush and thank you!!!!!

Ezzie;
You know, you're right!
Family Guy would be much more appropriate! They have it here on satellite!

 
At 6:33 PM, Blogger Karl said...

I had Stewie in mind when I got to Cucumber's piece!

When writing and blogging, I always had in mind, what if someone "stumbled" across what I write and eventually came to the conclusion that what I write is just me. If you dont like what I write - don't stumble across it!

As always, a great piece from Vegemom.

 
At 9:16 PM, Blogger Mia said...

LOL - that was hilarious!

 
At 9:57 PM, Blogger Jodi said...

HEHEHEEHHEE. that was FUNNY. Your kids are stinkin' brilliant, brilliant I tell ya...here from Bonnie at of socks and men.

 
At 10:35 PM, Blogger chaverah said...

kasamba - You have a very different veiw on the world. I love your perspective! great post. How cute the way the incident tie into eachother!

 
At 4:02 AM, Blogger FrumGirl said...

Reminiscent of a particular TV show, no?

;-)

Your blog takes the cake... I'd say you win best female jewish blogger, Jameel wins best male. You two rock!

 
At 5:34 PM, Blogger Open Up! said...

italian dressing anyone? scary little cucumber you got there...kasamba i have to thank you...even though i don't always comment i always enjoy your posts...i really laughed out loud by this one LOL...can't wait for the next one!

 
At 9:20 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

and whats tomato, chopped liver?

 
At 1:00 AM, Blogger Shevy said...

Hilarious! You totally go into my bookmarks...

 
At 12:32 PM, Blogger jim said...

Erudite? That would get an argument from many.

Besides, you're the one who is English.

My first impression was 'how could kids be so intelligent?'.

Speech Writer for 13 years. Do tell!

 
At 10:23 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Karl:
Vegimom- I like, I like!

Mia:
Thanks!!!

Jodi;
Thanks- I also think they're stinking brilliant!!
(stinking brilliant- I like, I like!)

Chaverah:
Ta!
Oh, its different all right!

 
At 10:27 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Frumgirl:
No, YOU rock!!!!

Openup:
She actually IS scary!!!
Italian dressing- I like, I like!

Limey:
I like to think of him as more of a pate'.
And Radish too!


Shevy:
Thanks so much!!!


Jim:
What can I say- I'm just a big fan!
As far as the speechwriting went- been there, done that, bought the t-shirt!

 
At 11:20 PM, Blogger The Next Contender said...

Very amusing as per usual!

 
At 10:56 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

The next contender:
Why thanks ever so much!

 
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