Tuesday, February 20

Citizen Kasamba and the Police

I love the London Police.
I know they love me too.
In fact, we have a symbiotic law enforcement/citizen relationship.
Just check out my correspondences with these
'men in blue'.


Dear Mrs Kasamba

I am writing to you regarding the theft of your 6 ft. American flag from the flowerpot outside your home [Case # VB9372A].
Although we appreciate your help in apprehending the perpetrators of this crime, the small trails of dirt from your flowerpot to the street can not be tested for DNA as per your request.

We also feel that this episode, while most unfortunate and difficult for you, is NOT an ‘International Incident’ and does not necessitate the involvement of the American Embassy. Nor does this incident constitute a ‘Hate Crime’.

You can be sure that we are doing our utmost in solving this theft, however in the meantime please avail yourself of our criminal victims support therapy group sessions. You can phone freephone 0800 566 7872 to find a support group closest to you.

The Golders Green Police force is proud to have the lowest crime rate in the borough of Barnet. We take theft very seriously and we will do our best to bring you a satisfactory result.

Whilst we are happy to hear that you have purchased a new flag, we can not guarantee its safety with around the clock police guard.
May we suggest placing it in a higher place?

Sincerely,
Inspector Herbert Blakely
Golders Green Police Station
Finchley Road
London
NW110QE


Dear Mrs Kasamba

Enclosed you will find an official report for you to relay the details of the double decker bus driver whom you feel to be a menace to society.

When filling out the forms, please use explanatory adjectives.
Rather than describing the bus driver as a ‘beady eyed troll’ I would find it easier if you could just describe his general demeanour in as much detail as possible along with the exact date and time you witnessed his reckless driving. Please refrain from using the Indie 500 as an illuminating feature.

Mrs Kasamba, I feel that I must reiterate what I said to you on the phone, that writing that you could hear his evil laugh right through to your car, will only make it more difficult for my colleagues to take your report seriously.

Thank you for your concern with public safety.

Sincerely,
Superintendent Ian Marcy
Commercial Vehicle Unit
Traffic OCU HQ 6th Floor
Empress State Building
Lillie Road
Earls Court, London
SW61TR

Dear Mrs Kasamba

On behalf of the entire Golders Green police station we would like to take this opportunity to thank you for single-handedly removing the gypsy problem from our streets.

People just do not realise that by giving these travellers money, they are encouraging soliciting and the harassment that often accompanies this. By calling us every time you saw them begging, we were able to mobilize our units and consistently collect them and take them to the edge of town.

It is my understanding from our many chats together on this subject, that it is the fact that they take their many babies begging with them, subjecting them to all kinds of inclement weather, that bothers you. However Mrs Kasamba, opening up a gypsy creche facility would not stop the problem and might possibly exacerbate it as well.

It is also not possible to remove one of their many gold teeth to sell, in order to provide sustenance for the entire group.

Once again we thank you for your tireless efforts on behalf of the community and I regard it as an honour to be on your speed dial.

Sincerely,
Sergeant Thomas Fielding
Golders Green Police Station
Finchley Road
London
NW110QE

28 Comments:

At 4:35 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

OMG ROLFLMAO!!!!
now i'm homesick

I think you could now put the cat to work, (it stole the flag, it is a gilgul of the last bus driver and it can rid you of the gypsies)

 
At 5:00 PM, Blogger Mrs. Jude said...

LOL!!!
maybe limey has a point...hmmmmm

 
At 5:26 PM, Blogger Jewish Smörgåsbord said...

Hilarious! How do you even come up with these stories???

 
At 5:30 PM, Blogger The Dreamer said...

Kasamba's back!
Hurrah, Hurrah!

Did you ever think of publishing a book? We need more kosher humor in the Frum Jewish world.

 
At 8:11 PM, Blogger Karl said...

Great!

 
At 11:41 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

hmm dreamer has a point! lol

 
At 5:00 AM, Blogger BagelUndertheCouch said...

you are one concerned citizen. rock on. you're making the world a better (or at least more anxious) place.

 
At 6:29 AM, Blogger torontopearl said...

One word: OY!

It's good to have friends in higher places, huh? When you see a policeman on the street, do you yell out to him, "Hey, Bobby"!?

 
At 2:56 PM, Blogger Scraps said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!!!!

You're a riot, dear. :-D
Wanna write another book?

 
At 8:22 PM, Blogger Amishav said...

Very creative Kasamba! You've got a great imagination.

Now if you would please address the garden gnome problem...

 
At 11:15 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

hi Babes!
I just ate carbs.. so my brain isn't functioning at its best...
so I'll just say here..
your post was brilliantatious and hillariomism!
Sometimes, I wish the police would arrest me when I overeat!

 
At 4:18 AM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

I was starting to get scared all the rumors about the blog closing were true. Breath.

Exhale...

 
At 4:40 AM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

I am so happy to see that you are up and running. Great to read yet another hysterical post.

 
At 7:31 AM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

They must really love you.

 
At 8:42 AM, Blogger Hila said...

omg! toooooo funny! i have to remember not to read your blog with a full bladder! glad to see that you are back!

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger Nemo said...

I always wanted to call Scotland Yard... Hey, do you know Sherlock Holmes?

 
At 5:11 AM, Blogger Frum but Thinking said...

LOOL.
I am sitting here, in the middle of the night, laughing soooooooooo hard!

Beady eyed troll!!!!

 
At 4:32 AM, Blogger the apple said...

Kasamba, I don't know if you'll even read this, but did you know that your letters sound just like the letters in the Becky Bloomwood books by Sophie Kinsella? Does that mean that the British REALLY write like that or is all this made up?

 
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