Thursday, March 15

Don't YOU be Passed Over This Passover

Most women arrive at their Pesach seder looking like their passport photos.
I figured out that the reason why women are not required to lean is because if they did, they would just keel over.
After cleaning for weeks and replacing all the food in the house and then cooking, the Jewish female of the tribal species usually feels rather worse for wear by the time the pow-wow actually begins.
No, no not I. I will survive.
I refuse to be a dishpan handed wreck by seder night.
I want to happily leave Mitzraim, not say,
“Go on without me, I’m too tired”

Instead I want to sit upright at Magid and be‘with it’ as much as possible.
You might ask- Kasamba, how will you do that?
Well, that’s a mighty good question.

With the patented Kasamba Don’t YOU be Passed Over this Passover Program, you too can be as fresh faced as those who say Ma Nishtana instead of as flat and craggy as a matzah and about as bitter as marror.
So ladies, (no, that doesn’t mean you, even if you are feminine) roll up those sleeves, we’ve got work to do!

-The first step is elementary. If you are like me, during the course of the year you would have received numerous hand and body lotions. If you are also like me, they end up standing in your cupboard, like a regiment of French soldiers; basically doing nothing.

So, take samplings from a few of theses creams and rub profusely over your hands, then place under rubber gloves. So while you are scrubbing and scouring, your hands are being treated and pampered. In fact, according to the Kasamba Don't YOU be Passed Over This Passover Program, your lotions have more of a chance to really penetrate into your hands the more you plunge them in scalding, scorching, blistering water. So, get started.

-The second step; use Pre-Pesach to work on your core stability.
We at the Kasamba Don’t YOU be Passed Over this Passover Program advocate what we call Passover Pilates. Pilates will help you work on strength, balance and mental focus; all of which any Jewish woman needs this time of year.
The fitter you get, the cleaner your house gets. It’s a win/win situation.
This particular exercise is call the ‘Working Like a Dog’
First, you perch on a chair, leaning towards the drawer you wish to clean, then dipping a Q-tip in Windex (or Windowlene on this side of the aquarium) point it at area of the drawer destined for crud removal and
-now-
PULSE *1*2*3 and HOLD 1*2*3: repeat sixty times.
Make sure to concentrate on your core.
For Your Information: your core is the area in the pit of your stomach that bleeds into your intestines whenever you think about Pesach.

-The third step is an opportunity for you to see to your face and your fridge/larder at the same time. All of us have expensive items of food that we feel are too good to throw out but are way too old/moldy to use. So, using the Kasamba Don’t YOU be Passed Over this Passover Program, you will learn how to clear these food items from your shelves while at the same time hydrating and nourishing your skin. We have it all in our Ingredients You Have Face Mask.
First, take all unused or half used items from all different food groups and line them up. Then starting with the yogurt, (including the green stuff on the top- it has curative properties; like antibiotics) you will schmear it all over your face. Then move on to the leftover avocado and spread over the yogurt layer. We all know about the medicinal properties of olive oil, so next, take the last of the chametz olive oil and apply it over the other two layers.
Don’t be afraid to go ethnic! Be heimishe and proud! Go on! Dollop on some of that herring your husband was saving but never actually ate. It's full of z complex minerals! Gehakta Leben is also chock full of protein!

Finally, for the coupe de ta; nuts. Nuts are an essential hydrating component of our Ingredients You Have Face Mask.
But you already know that it’s impossible to use all those nuts that you got over Purim any other way! The vitamins found in nuts are wholesome and vital for the collagen production in the skin, so be sure to be generous when applying.
Don’t worry; your face mask might burn a little, which is perfectly normal.
Leave on for 48 hours, making sure to avoid sunlight.

-Step four. We at the Kasamba Don’t YOU be Passed Over this Passover Program, believe in making the most of your cleaning time and that means doing things that you promised yourself you would; but you never did. Keeping in mind that in every Jewish woman there is an Imelda Marcus just waiting to burst out; take a walk to your shoe closet.

Look around. Just how many shoes do you own that are the weensiest, teensiest bit too small for you? Is it only one pair? Or are there five or more? Never fear, because, you will soon be able to wear those uncomfortably tight shoes and they will soon be as loose and as comfortable as a pair of slippers. The secret is this: put on those snug shoes and wear them while you clean. Yes, it’s that simple. Just teeter around in them while you rummage around your house looking for unleavened kryptonite and you will make your footwear as slack as Alfred Hitchcock’s jaw. This key to doing this is something called ‘pain redirection’. Our team of crack psychologists assure you that when you are pillaging your home, you become so highly focused that you will not notice that you are wearing six inch heels that are at least two sizes too small (because they were such a pretty colour and they were on sale and they were the only ones left).

-Step five; learn a new language.
So far we have worked on our outsides, but what of our MINDS????
We must toil and exert ourselves culturally as well as look amazing with terrific shoes while we dechometize our homes. Naturally, this is the best time to learn that foreign language that you always wanted to.

For the first time you will be able to read books in another tongue!
For the first time, you will be able to order without translation in exotic restaurants!
For the first time, you will be able to understand what your cleaning help says!
Be like Mordechai Hayehudi- choose from our Kasamba Don’t YOU be Passed Over this Passover Program’s extensive collection of no less than seventy, yes- you read it right, seventy language tapes. It’s simple.
All you do is listen and repeat.
Can you say
is this a really old macaroni or is this a new form of wildlife?
in Bulgarian?

So that’s it. The patented Kasamba Don’t YOU be Passed Over this Passover Program won’t let you get washed down the drain with the filthy water this year! No this year, you would have worked out both body and mind to arrive at the Pesach juncture prepared to travel with the rest of Kllal Yisroel, just in better, more comfortable shoes.

After the five step Kasamba Don’t YOU be Passed Over this Passover Program, not only will your house be spotless but your hands will be as soft as Paroah’s belly, you will be as fit as an Eved shlepping rocks, your face will be as smooth as a Baitzah and you will speak as many languages as the Anshei Kneses Hagedola.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to blow torch clean my kid’s braces.
Ah, just one kid, just one kid

50 Comments:

At 11:18 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

 
At 11:20 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

Lol!!!!! so THAT's what you were wearing the other day!!! haha.

 
At 12:41 AM, Blogger the only way i know said...

OH my Gosh!
WOW!

 
At 2:12 AM, Blogger Bas~Melech said...

I'm in! LOL! I don't know how you come up with this stuff...

 
At 11:12 AM, Blogger tnspr569 said...

lol sounds great!

 
At 1:01 PM, Blogger The Dreamer said...

A herring face mask?
I'm not staying around you.
LOL.

 
At 12:32 AM, Blogger cruisin-mom said...

just wanted to say hi!

 
At 2:53 AM, Blogger chaverah said...

lol

 
At 4:33 AM, Blogger Shpitzle Shtrimpkind said...

You are out-of-this world!

 
At 2:20 PM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

Extensive to say the least.
Besides the face mask it sound very promising:)
Seriously hasn't a publisher contacted you yet?
I would love all your articles bundled for Pessach reading.
But don't suggest me printing one by one out, no time for that.

 
At 7:07 PM, Blogger Scraps said...

HAHAHAHAHA! Thank G-d I'm going home for the holidays; I'm locking my doors and selling my chametz!

 
At 8:25 PM, Blogger nuch a chosid said...

yeah right, my mother used to say its not fair that the man get to sit on the hesev-bed.. when the woman are the ones who really deserve it, at the seder night....

 
At 7:48 AM, Blogger Hila said...

ROTFLMAO doesn't even begin to describe how hilarious this post is! Kasamba has done it again! :-)

 
At 2:25 PM, Blogger I'm Haaretz, Ph.D. said...

You are very funny. Thanks for the laugh :)

 
At 6:54 AM, Blogger Bonnie B said...

Funny, funny-- I'd hate to be passed over, but after your fantastic program, I just might fall over---from laughing

 
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