The Kasambamama HelplineMy kids are needy.
They always need something from me.
This makes me tired.
How can I be a good mother when I am oh, so, very tired? Huh?
Hence, using 21 century technology, I have devised a method of dealing with requirements from my five children, while still retaining my last vestige of reason.
It is my pleasure to welcome to
the Mommy Helpline Voicemail
If you would like to know what’s for supper, please press 1.
-If you want milky, press 1
-If you want meaty, press 2
-If you have suddenly become a vegetarian, please move out.
If you have lost something, please press 2.
-If you lost your schoolbag press 1
-If you lost your homework, press 2
-If you have lost your shoes, press 3
-If you lost your pet, use the intercom. Now.
If you have a report due tomorrow press 3
-If your report is on English subject, press 1
-If your report is on a Jewish subject, press 2
-If your report requires two months of research in one evening, dream on.
If you are being bullied, press 4
-If you are being bullied in school, press 1
-If you are being bullied on the bus, press 2
-If you are being bullied by a sibling, press 3
-If you are being bullied by the cleaner, get off the phone and clean up your mess!
If you need an item of clothing that is in the laundry, press 5
-If you need your dirty gym clothes, press 1
-If you ran out of clean tzitzis, press 2
-If you want to wear your favourite pair of knickers even though they are so filthy they could walk into the washing machine… forget about it.
If your sibling is bothering you, press 6
-If your sibling is touching things in your room, press 1
-If your sibling is imitating your every move and word, press 2
-If your sibling read your diary, press 3
-If sibling found your hidden stash of nosh, it’s so gross that you had food in your room; it serves you right.
If you need to buy anything, press 7
-If you need to buy new shoes, press 1
-If you need to buy a new football, press 2
-If you need to buy new Polly Pocket dolls, press 3
-If you need to buy a refrigerator in your room….uh, rethink your needs.
If you can’t sleep, press 8
-If you need a drink, press 1
-If you need the bathroom, press 2
-If you need to do your homework, press 3
-If you need to call all your friends, hand telephone back to me. For good.
If you are not feeling well, press 9
-If you are throwing up, press 1
-If you have a gaping wound, press 2
-If your throat is ‘killing’ you, press 3
-If you have fever, press 4
-If you are dizzy, press 5
-If you have all of the above, hang up. You are 100% faking.
If you feel that you can’t go to school tomorrow, press 0
-please listen to mishnah tapes while your call is being processed….
Still being processed…