Thursday, July 6

SUPERSU; The Supersonic Midwife

My friend Susie is a midwife. She is an incredible midwife, who has helped me to give birth to Cucumber. She is sort of a superhero in my mind, and this is dedicated to her.


Our story unfolds when we meet Susie, a slightly gawky youngster with dreams that extend way past her mere five years of life. When learning about the women enslaved in Mitzraim who gave birth to six children at a time, Suzie wants details
As she slowly, slowly, slowly, matured, Susie found that her morbid curiosity had noble purpose. She can smell pregnancy, and when she does…stand back:
Susie is transformed into…

Look, up in the sky!

Is it a bird?

Is it a plane?

No, it’s

Supersu!

Faster than a C-section, more powerful than motorised forceps, able to catch babies in a single bound, Supersu is dedicated to the never-ending battle that is prenatal care.
She stands for truth, justice and the NHS way!

With her rousing cry of, “Stand and deliver!” Supersu’s superpowers include being able to monitor foetal heartbeats with her supersonic hearing, and her ability to calm a distressed mother to be with her hypnotic laser eyes. But her most valuable and famous superpower is, of course, Supersu’s voice.

And now we begin our story:
One fateful morning on her regular six minute one hundred and eighty mile drive to Hospital, Supersu’s supersonic nose picks up the scent of a pregnant woman in transitionary dilatory distress… two miles back.
Supersu reverses back and spies a heavily pregnant Albanian woman, screaming

“OW, OW” in Albanian.

Our heroine, (no, not that heroine!) tries to placate the immigrant woman with her hypnotic laser vision, and finds that the woman is impervious to her super vision power. Supersu proceeds to utilise her most valuable of all her superpowers, her voice.

She uses soothing words, telling her, “You’re okay” and
So, you think you’re the first person to ever have a baby?”

With those comforting thoughts, Supersu whisks the Albanian woman into her Susiemobile. Supersu stamps on the accelerator of the Susiemobile, her car door trapping the ignored and unnoticed Albanian Father-to-be by the corner of his shirt. As she reaches a comfortable cruising speed of 130 miles per hour, she is only a streak of light, bypassing all the speed cameras on the way. As the Adrenaline slowly clears her supersonic ears, she hears the Albanian father- to-be shouting,

“Aclama, aclama” which Supersu interprets to mean, ”Faster, Faster”,

but which actually means, “My legs, my legs!”

Upon arrival at the Hospital, Supersu lifts the writhing woman and slams her down onto a waiting gurney. Supersu then instructs the senior Doctor and the other mere mortal midwives to wheel the Albanian pregnant woman into the labour ward and await further instructions, until she hears the cry,

Supersu, Supersu, we need you!” Supersu turns around to see mere mortal midwife Showanda, a three hundred pound woman, shuffling towards Supersu. Supersu rushes into the labour ward where the Albaninan mother to be is hyperventilating into a paper bag.

What do we do, Supersu?”, asks the consultant specialist Doctor above all Doctors. “ Well,” Supersu says, “First things first!” and she proceeds to press a hidden button on her midwife watch, which produces a concealed panel from behind the wall.

On it are an array of Supersu’s own pain-relieving devices

(only available through Supersu herself or on the Home Shopping Network at 08880 232-45556, that’s 08880 232-45556, Don’t delay, keep pain at bay, call today!).

Anyway, Supersu pulls out her favourite pain relieving device, a metal ball on a chain covered with spikes, called, ‘The Tickler’ and the Albanian woman eyes bulge with what Supersu takes as a sign of approval. Suddenly, Supersu’s supersonic hearing picks up the raised heartbeats of the unborn Albanian infant. She pushes away her panel of pain-relieving devices

(available through Supersu herself or the Home Shopping Network at 08880 232-45556, that’s 08880 232-45556 Call now! Calls are charged at Fifty two pounds every two minutes. You must be over childbearing age to call.)

and shouts “It’s time, the baby must come out NOW!!!” All the mortal midwives and the Top, top, top Doctor, stand back and let Supersu do her stuff.

Supersu goes over to the heaving woman and very gently and very calmly takes her hand in hers, looks her in the eyes and says in her smallest most delicate of all voices,

“PUSH!!!!!!”

Will Susperu manage to catch the baby?

Will Paul McCartney and Heather Mills ever get back together?

Will Mr Kasamba remove all internet access from Kasamba’s home?

Find out next time on Supersu- The supersonic midwife.

62 Comments:

At 1:04 PM, Blogger Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Wow...I'm speechless.

We could use her in our MDA ambulance crew!

 
At 2:33 PM, Blogger Scraps said...

ROFL!!!!

What ever happened to Showanda?

 
At 3:16 PM, Blogger A Frum Idealist said...

lol...

and what about Naomi?

stay tuned next time to hear Spidey say "MGRMPH"

 
At 3:33 PM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

wow... what a story!!

am waiting with bated breath for the next installment... supersu is amazing!

:)

 
At 4:14 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

LOL
What ever profession you're in..You're definitle in the wrong line of work...
You should be writing scripts..for plays and movies!

 
At 4:22 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Jameel:
You- speechless: no way!
She'd be a great part of a crew!

Scraps:
Oh, yeah Showanda went on to have own US chat show called 'Share with Showanda'- it's very touchy feely and the Americans love her.

Afrumidealist:
Who's Naomi?
It's a good idea to stay tuned...

Sarah:
Supersu is the best!!!

David:
Hey, thanks dude!!!!

 
At 4:23 PM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

She sounds amazing, lucky you have her. See you found one good thing about living in England.

 
At 5:14 PM, Blogger kishmech said...

rofl! good story.....with no ENDING ....thanks.

is he threatening to take your net away?

 
At 9:27 PM, Blogger Jameel @ The Muqata said...

Hey - that was weird...your blog like...disappeared...and then reappeared...

You've been reading WAY TOO MUCH David Copperfield.

 
At 9:32 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

OW OW
My sides, My sides!
(Side splitting laughter :) )
LOL!
So you finally got lucky by cucumber, huh?
did you have a top top top top doctor too?
:)

 
At 9:49 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

I was afraid hubby cut the wires when your blog was down this evening..... it was like a husband waiting for supersu to announce the gender of his new prodigy..... but worth the wait!

 
At 10:45 PM, Blogger The Next Contender said...

What DID happen to your blog??? i just thought i linked it up wrong... ( i chose this evening to update my "blogs i read" section) - anyway very amusing piece....

the things i ahve to look forward to...

 
At 4:38 AM, Blogger Shopaholic said...

LOL!

This is why i wait till TV shows are out on dvd...I hate the suspense!

 
At 7:32 AM, Blogger flör said...

whooooooaaaaaa.
:insert sound of flör being blown away:

'sbeen a superlong while since i've read anything remotely worth perusing [in terms of narrative such as this]. next time i'm over in [dreary -pardon] UK again, i think i shall like to go and meet this Su (yes, even before piccadilly circus and the doc martens store that has me salivating five thousand miles away)..and the cliffhangers?
durn.
moi pulse is far too fast to head to sleep now..(goody sunrise in 4 hrs..maybe she'll have a sequel up by then..)

 
At 9:06 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Socialworker:
She is a fantastic part of London!!!!

Kish;
the story is never ending as is Supersu's quest for truth, justice and the NHS way!

Hubby is very tolerant- how long can that last????

Jameel:
Thanks for your help oh blogging guru above all blogging gurus.

Maybe it was the forces of evil...
Cue twilight zone music- doo doo doo doo...

Theonlyway:
I only use the top, top, top doctor above all doctors!!!

Limey:
Worth the wait- glad to hear it!!!!

Next Contender:
Like I said to Jameel the forces of EVIL may have tried to shut me down. EVIL being an acronym for Eccentric Villians Implimenting Lousiness.

shopaholic:
Stay tuned!

Flor:
Thuwwwwuk(sound of giant spatula picking flor up from floor)

Thank you for your rapt attention to Supersu- I'm sure she would love to meet you, in her doc martens and tell you what came next... dum de dum dum dum.

 
At 9:23 AM, Blogger Genendy said...

How do you come up with this stuff?

...too funny.

 
At 9:24 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Genendy:
Product of a twisted mind...

 
At 10:14 AM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

Too funny! This could become the breath of fresh air marvel publications need so badly.

 
At 12:08 PM, Blogger kollel mama said...

Hehe

 
At 2:34 PM, Blogger student said...

u crack me up!!!
just what i need to read after a crazy morning at work!

shabbat shalom to all

 
At 3:09 PM, Blogger RR said...

Loved it!!

Those British midwives- mashehu mashehu!

 
At 3:44 PM, Blogger exsemgirl said...

LOL!!

U are nuts.

Thats why we love it...

 
At 3:49 PM, Blogger MUST Gum Addict said...

You see? This morning over breakfast the wife and I were discussing this post (what surprises you more -- that we have breakfast together, or that we talk about blogs?) and I had mentioned that normally, I immensely enjoy Tanta Kasamba's writings, yet I just didn't connect with this post in particular. And my wife laughed and said "well of COURSE -- because you're a MAN".

:)

 
At 4:17 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Prag:
LOL! But how would we draw her???

Kollel Mama:
Hoohoo

Student;
Happy to make you happy!
Gut Shabbos to you too!

rr;
You're right, they are mashehu!

Exsem;
Unless of course you are allergic to nuts...

Must:
Ooooh, I likey Mrs Must- she knows what its like to worship those who help us give birth!

 
At 7:11 PM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

supersu sounds like a perfect candidate for the comic rabbi's new book

hilarious.. as usual!

 
At 10:06 PM, Blogger Chana said...

IMNSHO midwives rock, but Supersu REALLY rocks!!!

Great post!!!!!!

 
At 12:00 AM, Blogger jemima3 said...

You are weird (but I like weird) - hurry up with the sequel before your internet gets cut.

 
At 5:07 AM, Blogger flör said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 5:13 AM, Blogger flör said...

so supersu is shod in docs?!?
what a pair..no wonder she's so lithe!




ps- does she have a waiting list? sign me up please

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Anym00kie;
That book is hilarious!
I think Supersu would have to clean up her act a bit before they'd put her in!


Chana:
Thank you!!!!


Jemima:
It's weird 24/7!
(The sequel's with seilberg)

Flor:
She is a sight in her docs!
(I signed you up- beshah tova!)

 
At 12:15 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

Great blog, i love the way you write :-) Thanks for visiting mine, its always great to see another frum blog around.
take care :-)

 
At 4:04 PM, Blogger trixies86 said...

I like comic storys. and hi.

 
At 4:49 PM, Blogger flör said...

oh i should say im hitched [yet?] and at the moment well I have my thoughts on that..
so keep my spot open, but not top 'o the list.
Much obliged regardless.



Has she kiddos of her own? were they delivered single-handedly?? (if so, my impression of her zooms on up..but I think its already hit the pinnacle..what do we do with people like that?!)

 
At 4:50 PM, Blogger flör said...

eek!
I meant *not hitched

 
At 12:18 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

Lisa:
Thanks for visiting- it's like another link in the chain!

trixie;
Howdy!!!
You should see my Real Life!!!!

Flor;
She will always have a place for you!
She has two kids which arrived into the world bathed and disciplined.

Flor- if you want help getting hitched first- call my name!

 
At 3:00 AM, Blogger flör said...

oooh, nonono.

(by thoughts i meant adverse ones..)\



Do all her charges arrive out bathed and disciplined? if so, she must apply for a patent at once!

 
At 11:17 AM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

Kasamba-With long sleeves and a Shaitel (if she's married) of course:)

 
At 12:45 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Flor;
I'm so impressed - you linked up to the uk patent office!!!
she doesn't need a patent- she has a direct link to G-d.

Prag;
But NOT a housecoat I hope!!!

 
At 2:19 PM, Blogger Bonnie B said...

I wished Supersu had caught my kids-- but I'm not too sure about the spikey ball.
Thanks for making me laugh all the way to me pinkie toe.

 
At 6:19 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

I think she dropped my niece....to run to cucs birth

 
At 7:18 PM, Blogger the sabra said...

(the minute was longer than usual cuz i despise reading from colorful blogs...urs is one of the exceptions..but i had to work up the will)

anyhow Su sounds like a per laaaaady. and ya ur a good writer. me thinks.

(ill be in da united queendom soon, gd willin)

 
At 7:40 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Bonnie:
Great to have you back!!!!!
I hope you had a great time!

Limey:
She just might've...

Sabra:
Hiya!!!!!
You've gotto understand, color is the ONLY thing I can do with my blog!!!
I can't link, I can't blogroll, can't put in photos or videos- i can only do color!!!!
Howabouts some cowfee while you're here?

 
At 8:10 PM, Blogger flör said...

ah, right.
scratch those patents then and get her off the queue.
direct-line to g-d is more thanmany of us can ask for, wow.
(and can a woman be a lamed-vav??)

 
At 8:13 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

flor:
Hand on heart, the woman is a real Tzaddekes!

 
At 8:41 PM, Blogger the sabra said...

lama lo?
meet ya in heathrow :)

 
At 11:15 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

Video is easy, just go to you to and where it says "embed" cut and paste that into your "creation" (your post) if you need more help email me
Photos, there is a link on top of the "post" if you are in the edit html thing, that looks like a picture, click that and follow instructions

 
At 2:29 AM, Blogger FrumGirl said...

LOL Kasamba it is so worth reading posts I missed, you are so funny... and yes, we love it!

 
At 3:37 AM, Blogger kasamba said...

sabra:
Its a date!

Limey:
I think it's so cute how you overestimate me!!!!
(old dog, new tricks)

Frumgirl:
Thanks babe!!!!

 
At 9:45 AM, Blogger flör said...

limey- in addition: upload pic to tinypic.com (no signup & free), then copy the link from the 'html' line and paste it into blog post.

or to only link a pic, paste 'link' code from tinypic into this [bolded] tag:

:a href="http://i6.tinypic.com/1zn4dpd.jpg">link a pic :/a:

and putting an < or > symbol wherever there's a colon.

(real comp'y btw)

 
At 2:45 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Flor:
How cute are you to think I could do that????

Ah, you make me remember what it was like to be young again...

 
At 3:46 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

kas YOU CAN do anything you put your mind to...........

 
At 6:50 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Oy, Limey, Limey-
Ich bein ein alte kaker!!!!

 
At 8:41 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

You see that story in the Daily Mail about your neighbor haveing a baby at 62?? there's still hope for you.........alter kaker and all

A 62-year-old has become Britain's oldest mother, according to a media report.

Dr Patricia Rashbrook has given birth to a 6lb 10oz baby boy, whom she and her husband described as "beautiful".

BBC News reported that Dr Rashbrook, who lives in Lewes, East Sussex, had a Caesarean section which went smoothly

 
At 10:27 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Limey- don't you dare wish a baby on me when I'm 62!!!!!

 
At 5:01 AM, Blogger flör said...

ok, no bundles of joy when you're 62..so start taking your html lessons seriously!


(would this help any?)

 
At 1:30 PM, Blogger backcare said...

very good blogger site!.

Do you know BBC News (14/09/2006) Acupuncture for low back pain is cost-effective and works, according to medical researchers. Two studies on bmj.com suggest a short course of acupuncture would benefit patients and healthcare providersThe cost is well below the threshold used by officials to decide whether the NHS can afford to fund a set treatment, they said. Up to 80% of UK residents experience back pain at some point in their lives, costing the NHS £480m a year.—(BBC News 14/09/2006)

And, What do you think about it? Something as follow:

Chinese acupuncture practitioner had almost been accused for website’s ads in Bristol

Dr Zhentong Han is a Chinese registered acupuncturist with twenty years of clinical experience. He is very popular among the patients in the area with outstanding technique. The appointments for him in the clinic in Bradford were always full, however, at Bristol, another place where he set up his business; there were troubles from the competitions in the same field.

It started at the acupunctural website of Dr Han(http://www.backachetherapy.co.uk), which occupied the NO.1 place in a international websites about acupuncture (http://www.passion-4.net/tables/Acupuncture.html). Because of the large number of patients attracted by this website which introduced traditional Chinese acupuncture for backache therapy,and top position in yahoo and google. it caught great attention of other businesses in the same field in a very short time. Some practitioner even registered company names using key words about acupuncture , and notified Dr Han and other practitioners to stop using the some key words for advertising the website. Or else they would probably be charged by the law.

Dr Han claimed that he regretted deeply for the matter, but he didn’t want to get involved in this legal dispute, for the purpose of having a website is not to score high on the network, but to have more patients understand the most veracious Chinese traditional acupunctural techniques through his website, so to help more patients get rid of the pain.

Bristol Chinese Pain relief Acupuncture
www.backachetherapy.co.uk

 
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