Saturday, May 5


Oooooh that ‘final’ bit sounds a bit daunting.

Well, it’s not like I am going to become a mute, live in seclusion at the top of a mountain, only to nod my toothless head in a knowing way when people climb up to ask me the meaning of life.
Nah, I need to be near restaurants.

How final is final anyway?
Any mother who is human, (Well, there are other life forms in the world you know) appreciates that her ‘final word’ can change with just one sideways glance from her liquid eyed offspring.

And besides, there are so many topics I didn’t get to write about!
Such as:

-Self appointed parking supervisors- If you are a woman then they’re out to get you. If you are a man, then you are probably one of them. They are the men who stand and watch woman park their cars and lose interest as soon as the females do a blooming good job parking their ten foot car in a seven foot space. BUT if the heavens decreed that the woman parking should not do such a great parking job…. These men are right there, watching….. judging….

-Visualisation- It’s very hard to go about day to day life remembering Olam Haemes and the fact that we all get there in the end. Well, when I ‘get to the other side’, I don’t want to be shocked about all the things I should have done in this world when I had the chance. So, I use a visualisation technique that keeps me on the straight and narrow.
I have my own cheering section.
Yes, you read correctly. I imagine about twelve Malachim on bleachers, each holding red and white pom-poms. When I do something wrong, they boo and hiss and throw (environmentally safe) rubbish at me, but when I do something good, they cheer like St Louis fans when the Cardinals won the 2006 World Series. My Malachim are really cute because they chant as well as doing the Mexican wave holding peach scented candles.
I really love when they’re happy with me.

-Gender Photos- Why is it that whenever girls take photos together they always huddle and scrunch down collectively, even if there’s an acre of room in the frame; while boys en masse stretch and take up as much room as possible????
Huh? Yeah, you in the white shirt! Why?????

-My neighbours- I looooove my neighbours. I always say that if the people we bought the house from would know just how much we adore our neighbours, they would have tripled the asking price, and we would have paid it. My neighbours are my best friends and my closest allies. I just hope that Bezras Hashem when Mashiach comes and we move to Israel, we can still live near them.

-Conformity- I believe there is great beauty in asserting one’s individuality while still conforming to the ideals of a group. We live in a day and age where you see people going to outrageous lengths just to stand out from the crowd. The irony is that that act of rebellion becomes a trend and then they have to find even more extreme methods just to be different. I mean, I see so many people with piercings all over their bodies, I imagine that the next step for them would to be to create string art, from stud to stud…

-The Great Conspiracy- Most fabulous women’s shoes are designed by men, ie, Charles Jourdan, Jimmy Choo, the great Loubitan. Think about it. It makes sense. If you ever had the good fortune to don one of their death defying heels, you will know that you can barely walk, let alone RUN. This keeps women in their place. Teetering, but in their place.
I rest my case.

-My Daughters Hair- Asparagus was blessed with blonde curly hair. Ever since she was little, people would stop her on the street and compliment her on her gorgeous hair. When she was thirteen she came to me and told me that she had decided to grow her hair for Zichron Menachem, a charity that makes wigs for children with cancer. She felt that as she had been blessed with beautiful hair, she should share it with those less fortunate than herself. Well, flash forward two years and her hair is nearly long enough to cut. All her friends are getting funky haircuts and bangs but not Asparagus. She ties it back, secure in the knowledge that her hairstyle is truly the most beautiful of all.

-Snippets of conversations I wanted to hear the rest of- Have you ever fleetingly heard one sentence that just made you want to hear the rest of the dialogue? It happens to me all the time. Here are a few examples:
“And then he took the entire filing cabinet and stood on the table…”
“I said, Mavis, you are going to sue that doctor for leaving that clamp inside you! You won’t EVER be able to go through an airport metal detector’!”
“But how DID you fit all those chickens in your SmartCar???”
“Hey, why is that weird woman listening into our conversation?”

-Whiney Women- I am so fed up with women moaning about how Yiddishkeit restricts women. I tell you now, I would never want to be a man and I couldn’t deal with the whole tzizis thing anyway. If you are one of those women who put on tefillin every morning, well bully for you, but that don’t curl my sheitel one bit. I am proud to be a woman, knowing that I have my own connection with time and spirituality in my own way without having to be a cheap facsimile of a man. I’d rather do the female thing really well than the male thing badly.

-War Wounds-My body is a physical testament to all Jewish holidays. In other words, I cook and I have the scars to prove it. Cooking for Rosh Hashanah gave me the Kaparah of two horizontal burns on my inner wrists that look like a botched suicide attempt.
This Pesach left me with a mere seven stitches on my left hand. Making Shissel Challah after Pesach left me with a gaping two inch burn on my right arm that took two weeks to close. And that’s just this year- so far.
My arms are starting to look like a relief map of the Indies.
I think I’d like to go away this Shavous….

Ah, well, so much left unsaid….

This past year has been an incredible, almost psychedelic journey. Through writing, I have discovered so many things about myself that it has proved to be the ultimate cathartic experience. I also learned that, boy…. am I opinionated! The best part was that while I’ve chronicled my observations, I made myself laugh all the while.

This past year saw me; send my son to Yeshiva Gedola, get ill, lose my first mentor, celebrate the birth of my brother’s first child, marry off my eldest niece and my favourite little Blueberry. Plus, I turned forty.

Boruch Hashem, you could say that it’s been a watershed year for me.
But the cherry on the cake is that my other sweet, adorable niece just got engaged and watching her and her Chusson together makes my heart swell with joy.
Isn’t that what life’s about?

I thank you for coming on my fabulous, marvellous, remarkable journey with me because without you, it wouldn’t have been what it was.
I love you all!

I particularly would like to thank; Kishmech, Karl, Jameel and
especially, mostly and positively TOWIK, who may be my birth cousin but who actually is my soul sister.
Towik; you are the best.

Lots and lots of (purely platonic, politically correct, shomer negiah) HUGS,
For the very last time,

My blog is worth $12,419.88.
How much is your blog worth?

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