Lingo With Kasamba’s Ma (Part 2)
I speak English. Plain English, as I learned it.My mother on the other hand, does not.
No, she is far more creative, because she has taken the English language and she has made it …. Exclusively hers.
My mother is the original Mrs Malaprop and commits no end of malapropisms. That combined with a Hungarian accent is a lethal combination, I assure you!
I remember once I asked her where my boots were, she answered me, saying, "I don’t know where your bootses are.” I said, “Ma, you don’t say bootses, you say boots!” “Oh”, answered my mother, “I vas just trying to say it plurial.”
I used to cringe when I went shopping with her. She asked for animal paint when she wanted enamel paint. She’d shout, “Look there’s Clarence!” and when I’d say, “Who’s Clarence?” I would see she was pointing to the clearance section.
There was this one time she asked a salesman for terminal underwear. The clerk said, “wha?” so she repeated, “do you have terminal undervear”. So the guy says, “You mean the kind that blows up after a certain time? No. We don’t have it.” Finally, I clarified it for the poor slob who thought he was a comedian. “Excuse me” I said, “My mother meant thermal underwear.” Whereupon my mother said, “That’s vat I said, terminal undervear!”
She is also creative with names. I once had a dentist called Dr Capinegro, my mother called him Dr Cappuccino. When he corrected her he said, “Actually, my name is Dr Capinegro,” my mother said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m always sinking of food!”
When I left to go to seminary, she made me a welfare party.
She also told me to precipitate in class. I told her, it’d be difficult, but I’d try.
And the classic line when she brought in a bowl of grapes, “Vant grep?”
Instead of splenda in her coffee, she asks for placenta.
When I went to college, I majored in marketing; she told everyone I majored in shopping. She always said, “Marketing – shopping, same sing.”
A DVD is PVD, MPT, TVT, basically, any three letters except for DVD.
Marks and Spencer is Max Factor.
The exclusive London Restaurant Kaifeng is... K-mart.
Many years ago, my mother found herself in Lord and Taylor after having shopped at Saks Fifth Avenue, when she lost her Saks Fifth Avenue bag. She searched for it high and low asking people for help along the way. She couldn’t understand why people were looking at her like she was insane until her friend heard her asking people if they saw her ‘seks bag’.
She doesn't just create new words, she also sees words she wants to see:
My parents have quite a bit of stock in Pfizer, the pharmaceutical company. Every time one of their products is in the news, the stock goes up. Well, every time my parents see the word ‘viagra’ in the news, they celebrate, visualising their sky rocketing stocks. A few months ago, I was on the phone to my mother who was leafing through the Jewish Press. Suddenly she shouted excitedly into the phone, “I don’t believe it! Even the Jewish Press is writing about Viagra and in huge letters!” Then she stopped and said, “Oh, I made a mistake…it said Vayikra!”
There are so many more stories about my mother that there’s no way I could ever repeat half of them.
One thing I can tell you, her English is music to my ears!
posted by kasamba @ 7/18/2006
40 Comments:
LOL!!
that's great :) Yiddish Mama speak!!
it's like my grandfather says 'tenkscot' and i said 'who's scott?' :P
I love that, if the Yidishe Bubbes would teach English I bet no one would fall asleep during the lessons, of course someone would have to calrify a few things afterwards but it would be very instructive.
Ever heard of Yinglish
?
"The exclusive London Restaurant Kaifeng is... K-mart."
LOL!! I am sure they would appreciate that.
One of my friends who lives in Israel but has forgein parents came to England for a holiday. She has spoken English from when she was very young yet it is not her mother tongue.
Once we were on a trip and our train was delayed for over 4 hours. When we finally got on the trian and the conductor came round my friend angrily told him that he had no right to demand a ticket after that horredous delay and their service was just not good enough. To conclude she raised her voice in the silent English train carriage and said.
"I demand constipation!"
We haven't stopped laughing since.
Your mom's a riot - it's funny how she is living in the states longer than you were born and how she never did seem to get a grasp of the lingo - my mother in law is the same way. She spoke to my husband in "yinglish" until he was seven and there are just some words he cannot say properly until today because he learned them from her!!
funny! you explained it so perfectly! we all have a mother or grandmother just like that! i have to admit i myself make up my own language as well. i hope my kids will love me the same as you to your mother.
my grandparents - the best in the world of course
always say
'tenks for de comink' - when any of the grandkids visit
Hungarians - nobody beats em! lol
my husbands grandma describes a special item or experience as
'sometink sometink'
LOL
You're mom is the FUNNIEST!
It reminds me of my grandparents.. I just love Hungarians!:o)
The food... the accent....The Best!
roflmao! too funny.
Reminds me of the time my grandma sent my hungarian grandfather to the supermarket to get sanitary towels for her. HE asked the cashier......Where are the peds?
CAshier - the what ?
Z - the peds? (he's getting redder by the second.)
c- huh?
z- You knough.......peds....for vimin. time of the month?
c- AAAAAAAAh (she calls out over the tannoy.) Maureen a pack of sanitary towels to aisle 1 please.
That was successful the previous time he came home with brillo cleaning pads because he was too embarrassed to correct the shop assistant.
Funny exsemgirl, that story happened to a classmates dad......she never lived it down.
Very funny, she sounds hilarious. Enjoy your mom!
Wow, did you just bring back memories of all my Russian grandparents...my grandmother always said, "Honey, vuts not to like?" She kinda spoke backwards, like Yoda. Great post.
Oy! That's truly priceless butchering of English.
Kasamba, I LOVE your mother. The quintessential spokesmodel for Merriam-Webster.
She should live long and be well!
Jemima:
Glad to be of service!
Sarah:
Thank you!
Prag:
Ain't that the truth!
Yinglish rocks!
Exsem:
LOL!!!
That story deserves the best comment award!
Hanginup:
LOL!
I guess they want to retain their identity!
Chaverah:
That's so nice- thanks!
Shopaholic:
He sound like so much fun!
theonlyway:
Hungarians - nobody beats em!
Don't you know it!
They are really sometink!
Pretty Green Eyes:
Thank you!
Workinema:
Then you too are from the royal lineage that is hunkie- dorie!!!
They're the best!
Kishmech:
Great story!
That is too too funny!!!!! He is so adorable!
Socialworker:
Thank you, I will!
Crusin:
It's true- they do speak backwards!
Don't ya just love it!
Limey:
Be nice!
Scraps:
She's just a really good butcher!
Toronto:
Thanks so much! I love her too and will pass on your best wishes! Amein!
kas - come visit my blog for a sec - see what our friend wrote..lol
youre funnier than the comedy club... and theres no two drink minimum!
LOL. Nu, when are you coming to Monsey again?
Theonly:
Is he misbehaving again?
Anym00kie:
Why thanks!!!
(And I don't smell like smoke!)
Ezzie:
Bezras Hashem next thursday!!!!!
very entertaining just like all the alta kackers
ROTFL!!!!
Reminds me of the Wendy's commercial many years ago where the matronly woman came out on a runway wearing the same grayish outfit as a voice said, "Beach Vear... Very naaice!"... "Evening Vear... Very naaice!"
HAH!! ---(snort!)--chhhhaaahhccchhh----SO CUTE!!!
So Funny!!
My grandparents are from Poland..they dont even bodder vit Engelish...They just assume that everyone knows Yiddish...
But my wifes gradmother is HUngarian..and I totally hear her in ur monlogue...
I love de vay she always somehow pronounces the second L in Lincoln Tunnel
YY:
thanks, but she ain't no alter kaker- she has more energy than I do!
Chana:
I can see we have the same taste- that was my FAVOURITE commercial ever!!!
Okee:
thanks!
David:
LOL! Of course, the Licolin tunnel!
Moiy-rah:
yeah she does!!!
I bet you DO know her!
Very cute! Btw, it's even worse when your English teacher in high school speaks like that! Try taking dictation from that one - quite a challenge!
Admitnothing;
My Mom is tougher than them guys!
Shoshana:
LOL!
I can't even imagine my mother as an english teacher!
Limey:
Awww...
That's sweet.
I love your mom! I bet she is a kick in the pants to be around. You are so lucky.
Bonnie;
She really is! Thanks!
Her Next Door;
Thank you so much! You really nailed how I feel about that entire post! Thank you for that lovely comment!
I feel a song coming.....My yiddishe mamaaaaaaaaaaa........i love her more than ever nooooooooow...........lalalallala.....wrinkled brow......pearls and something something something......i know that i am today because of my wooooooonderful yiddisheeeeeee maaaaaaaaaaaaaaamaaaaaaaaaa.........
Which reminds me of an incident that happened while I was waiting on line in a local grocery, there was this cute old Hungarian lady talking to her friend she met there… “surikuh… mein rucheleh is buying a condom for mein einekel who is getting married this week… ich zug dich the yingwart nowadays they have it too easy…”. Apparently she meant to say that her daughter is buying a condominium… but I guess it got lost in translation.
jemima and aac - lol!
Kish:
LOLOLOL!!!!
I didn't know you could sing!!!
Jemima:
Ha!
Also:
That is such a funny story!
Actually, every time my mother would say 'sheet'- as in bedding or 'fork'- as in cutlery my brothers and I would dissolve into fits of laughter!
Ultra:
That's so cute!
:-) very funny.
You should appreciate her ad meah v'esrim, and then some.
I agree with you and some of your commenters, the hungarian ones are great. I had an aunt who lived in Israel for fifty years after the war, and when I'd see her she'd say "shalomaleichemmahnishma" with such a heavy hungarian accent, that it took me a while to realize that she was speaking hebrew and not hungarian.
One of my favorite phrases from another relative, "Don't look a gifted horse in the mouth". She also had another funny one about money, but I can't remember it right now.
Notahottie:
Thank you! I love when you visit!
A Frum Idealist:
LOL! Hunkies really are the best- Amein and thanks!
I laughed throughout this post- especially at the placenta in the coffee (blech!) and the seks bag. What a riot! At one time I had a best friend who's father was Hungarian, so I know what you mean-love the way they hack through the English language with a machete!
rr:
LOL! I love the way you said that!
WHich reminds me of the story I once heard from a friend. She was in an elevator in Macy*s together with a pair of ladies from WIlliamsburg. One says to the other " Ich mein as ich vel nit huben koach fahr sex shpeiter". WHAT????I think to myself. Don't these ladies have any discretion at all? After all, they can see that I am a frum woman and can easily understand their conversation. Then the second lady answers the first one " ersht vellen men gein tzu Lord & Taylor and oib men vet huben koach veillen men gein tzu sex"!!
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