Summer Swan Song
Tho’ it’s time to say goodbye for the summer,
Bloggers- I promise you this
I’ll send out a dove
Although pigeon might be better
Each time I eat a knish…
Yes, boys and girls, it’s that time of the year.
The time of the year when the sun is shining and the people in the British Isles are no longer allowed to use their hosepipes to water their parched gardens or cool down their overheated children, and so we find ourselves at casa Kasamba getting ready to do our annual pilgrimage to Momma and Papa in the good ole US of A.
Unfortunately, my parent’s internet access is dodgy and unreliable; therefore I am going to shut down my blog for the summer. I might visit every now and again, but I won’t be able to post until I come back. I will miss reading all your blogs too, but alas and alack, one must do what one must do.
In the meantime, I leave you with my swan song, my goodbye hymn to all my friends out there in Blogsville. After Tisha B’av (and I wish all of you an easy fast!) I want you to go to your keyboard and play a little bass nova and maybe a ka-samba and get the rhythm in your souls and then you may sing the Bad Date song.
Disclaimer: As with all things written by myself, it is a trifle wicked.
The Bad Date Song
And that’s why Borselino hats are the best. Don’t you agree?
Oh, of course- (I’m lying)
Yes it is quite fascinating
Absolutely- (I’m really lying)
How did it start? Oh, yeah I remember, the phone call…
I have a faaaaabulous shidduch for your daughter…
Mom, who is that-
Shhhh… what’s his name, is he tall?
Never mind tall, he gorgeous, he’s smart, he wears a hat
Ohhh, so it must be basherte…
Shh… be quiet! Uh, what were you saying? Give me his name and I’ll make my enquiries and I’ll call you back.
Mom…
Shh… ah, huh, ah, huh, ah, huh, thank you so much Shprintze, you just have a knack.
Mom.. I don’t know….
Ahhhh, Shaifele, remember this, always…..
Every time you go out, I bake a cake
Yes, every time you leave the house, with a boy who could be the one
A cake…. I make.
After all, if he’s the one, then a few more dates… and cakes and the vort is done!
But if he’s not the one, by any means
And you come home looking like you want to scream
Keep in mind my dear sweet child,
Each bad date is just another cake for the freezer
Each one means the vort is closer at hand
You see, each bad date means the freezers getting fuller
And we’re one step closer to choosing the band!
But when your basherte comes, make no mistake…
He’ll thaw out your heart, and I’ll thaw out the cakes!
(Oh, where was I? Uh, oh, he asked me a question…)
Well, what do you think?
Hmm, oh, I totally agree…
(He looks confused, what did I say?
I must have answered wrong or he wouldn’t look that way
Like a dead cow in a field, surrounded with flies
Who doesn’t know he’s dead or why, there are so many flies…)
But what about ironing socks? My mother always irons my socks. Even when I was in Yeshiva, I would send my mother my socks and she’d iron them for me. I like ironed socks. I think they just feel better on my feet.
Ummm… (His feet! Do I really want to think about his feet?)
I knew from the moment I saw him that this –would- not- go –well
From the second I stepped into my living room and saw him
I could tell
That it would not go well
There he was, this black hatted guy, just standing there,
Not knowing just how many hours I spent on my hair
Or how I how I’d fussed over what to wear
Not that he’d care, it just wasn’t fair
But it’s not that I’m only attracted to tall
It’s just that he was really very small
Which, unfortunately doesn’t do me at all
I kept looking behind him to see
If his other half would join him eventually…
But it never did
I believe that chulent is the key to Sholom Bayis…
Mmmm…. I never thought of that
(He’s smiling and he has something in his teeth
Ewww. It’s green. We’re not even eating out. This is a hotel lobby. The last time he must have had something to munch….
Must’ve been lunch. Ewww.)
How much longer will this last?
When can I put this in my past?
But just then my mothers words come to haunt me.
She said;
Each bad date is just another cake for the freezer
Each one means the vort is closer at hand
You see, each bad date means the freezers getting fuller
And we’re one step closer to choosing the band!
But when your bashert comes, make no mistake…
He’ll thaw out your heart, and I’ll thaw out the cakes!
Never mind that we have five freezers and counting
And that the electricity bills are mounting
And although for Mr Right I absolutely, positively yearn
By the time he arrives
All the cakes will have severe freezer burn
So, I’m sitting here in my nicest dress
With the lovely pin on my lapel
Talking about socks and chulent,
Though I could care less
Feeling quite… distressed
And so the time arrives- he takes me home
I’m home! I’m home! I’m home at last!
I thank him for what I don’t really know
One thing for sure- I won’t miss the little gnome
With his slightly crossed eyes and green bits in his teeth
But never mind he’s in the past
After all;
Each bad date is just another cake for the freezer
Each one means the vort is closer at hand
You see, each bad date means the freezers getting fuller
And we’re one step closer to choosing the band!
But when my bashert comes, make no mistake…
He’ll thaw out my heart, and Mom’ll thaw out the cakes!
Nebech, mom is waiting at the kitchen table
She looks at me with questioning eyes
Her hopes and dreams and all they imply
And I hold back as much as I’m able
As I stare at a beautifully high hazelnut torte
And tell her that just yet- there'll be no vort
La, la, la, la dee da, la, la la dee da, laaaaaaaa!
Have a GREAT summer!!!!
posted by kasamba @ 7/24/2006
39 Comments:
Thank you Kasamba!
When you put things like that, it's not so bad, I may just get through the winter because of that song!
(Except for this part that made me shudder (b/c I know all too well...): "But it’s not that I’m only attracted to tall
It’s just that he was really very small
Which, unfortunately doesn’t do me at all
I kept looking behind him to see
If his other half would join him eventually…
But it never did")
Have a great summer and a safe trip!
We'll miss you :)
So you're saying that owning a smaller freezer is good for Shudduchim?
Oh my we've got two!!
haha very funny......only have a small freezer.....any more than than and you're obliged to bake and fill it.
Have a fantastic summer and do some R and R for us staying in England....although the way things are going it may be hotter here.
xx
Sarah:
Have a great summer as well!
Prag:
AHA!
Start filling them now!
Kish:
I'll be thinking of all my fellow brittians!!!!
Notahottie:
I'd love to see you but how will I know who you are? Do you mind wearing a red carnation every time you go out?
the coldman:
LOL! I bet you do!!!!
Enjoy your trip and sojourn in the U.S.
Track some more of your mother's speech patterns for us, why don't you!?
L'hitraot.
have a great summer - im so gonna miss your blog..
btw i think im the only one who didnt laugh at that song :)
its brilliant.. but not funnnny at all..
oooooof.. how many more cakes!!?!
Kasamaba my dearest, how i will miss you!!!!!!!!!!
i think this song is worth it's weight in torte cakes ... five freezers worth!
looking forward to hear the things you have up your sleeve after the summer...
a comment to Mookie - may you meet your zivug and recognize him as the right one REAL SOON!
Limey -
I don't know about 'dodgy' - but 'cheeky' comes to mind!!!
As always, great post - and I can relate to the freezer! Have a great summer vacation!
Excellent!
Thank you for the literazation (or something...) of my feelings ;)
Grrrrr....
m00k - I'm with you hoping...
Quick - whisper in my inbox where you'll be, on the off-chance it's near ME!! :)
Kasamba, NO!! Don't leave me!! Where will I find laughter and humor and all the forces of good without you're terrific typing?? Where? Where?
Fine. I'll reread your whole blog over and over. Fine! Look at what you've reduced me to. Soooo saaaaaad.
By the way, brilliant song!! Makes me think of all the dates I've been on that I woulda prefered staying home and baking my own cake and then eating the whole thing by myself because the date was THAT bad. ... yep.
Bon voyage, and don't forget your sunblock. (the sun actually shines sometimes in the U.S., remember?)
Kasamba-- what will I do? I have a very small freezer and three girls! Plus, the only cake i make that is sure to get a date is my carrot cake and it takes two-and- half days!
I will miss you.
Kasamba!
Really funny- but, wow you must have good memory to remember how you're dates were and what you felt!
oh!! nononononono!! You're that OLD! It's just that.. well... you have a 17 yr old son and all...:o)
Hope to get to see you in the USA??
I could probably pick you out of a crowd by the song you'll be singing...:o)
Hey, maybe make a blogger bbq!! I'll sponsor!
Enjoy youR VK!!!!
Nu, so are you going to come visit? :)
OH no not yet come to my blog and see you can't go yet. You need one more post. You are tagged in my meme oh me oh my don't go.
kasamba, have a great vacation...I will miss your whimsicle, thoughtful, funny, wonderful posts (not to mention your ever-faithful comments)...have a safe, satisfying trip!
Ditto to what Cruisin Mom said :-)
Loved your swan song- especially the part about having 5 freezers- LOL!!!!
Have a fantastic summer!
Oh my, you do certainly know how to go out with a bang. We'll miss ya, dear--come back soon!
We will definitely miss you...
funny :-) haven't we all had dates like that huh...?
Have a great summer and enjoy yourself, see you soon.
come back soon :(
Kasamba--do what I did when I visited my folks:
Sneak out and find a library with internet access!
Guerilla blogging lives!
Have a nice vacation. We will miss you.
So that's why my mother has 5 freezers and counting! I could never figure it out!!
Uh oh...I guess I should go check how full they are before my next one...
Seriously though why the hell you need five freezers year round has been totally beyond me. Thanks for enlightening me!
Have a great holiday! London'll miss ya!
Hi Kasamba- glad that you are having a good summer- even if England has to do water rationing. we do it from time to time here in Denver too- you'll get used to it.
Sorry I was gone for so long- I'm looking forward to hearing from you when you get back-
A.
Enjoy your vacation, Kasamba... enjoy the USA but dont think we arent frying here! See you in the fall!
Kasamba!!
I miss you, and right now you're thousands of miles closer to me than you were before!!
Get some Internet access!! LOL!!!!
You are the best!
For sure the funniest!
Have a great summer!
I don't know if you are checking your blog or messages but I had an interesting email forwarded to me today: your poem from this post! It's famous beyond the blogosphere!! ;)
Just came to say hi.
just dropped in to remind you I miss you
Can't wait for you to come back!
WELCOME HOME BLOGGING QUEEN.
THE RED CARPET AWAITS....
MAKE YOUR GRAND ENTRANCE..
WE ARE WAITING WITH BATED BREATH...
SENDING LIGHT AND LOVE YOUR WAY...
TOWIK
I saw you posted on Only way i how -- welcome back!!!! I am so happy you are home
HELLO Y'ALL!!!!
I've missed you all sooooo much!!!!
I've read every one of your thoughtful comments and I really thank you for them!
I feel really bad about not answering each one personally now, I'll try to do it later because I want to visit all your blogs!!!!!!!
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