Monday, July 24

Summer Swan Song



Tho’ it’s time to say goodbye for the summer,
Bloggers- I promise you this
I’ll send out a dove
Although pigeon might be better
Each time I eat a knish…

Yes, boys and girls, it’s that time of the year.
The time of the year when the sun is shining and the people in the British Isles are no longer allowed to use their hosepipes to water their parched gardens or cool down their overheated children, and so we find ourselves at casa Kasamba getting ready to do our annual pilgrimage to Momma and Papa in the good ole US of A.

Unfortunately, my parent’s internet access is dodgy and unreliable; therefore I am going to shut down my blog for the summer. I might visit every now and again, but I won’t be able to post until I come back. I will miss reading all your blogs too, but alas and alack, one must do what one must do.

In the meantime, I leave you with my swan song, my goodbye hymn to all my friends out there in Blogsville. After Tisha B’av (and I wish all of you an easy fast!) I want you to go to your keyboard and play a little bass nova and maybe a ka-samba and get the rhythm in your souls and then you may sing the Bad Date song.

Disclaimer: As with all things written by myself, it is a trifle wicked.


The Bad Date Song

And that’s why Borselino hats are the best. Don’t you agree?
Oh, of course- (I’m lying)
Yes it is quite fascinating
Absolutely- (I’m really lying)

How did it start? Oh, yeah I remember, the phone call…

I have a faaaaabulous shidduch for your daughter…
Mom, who is that-
Shhhh… what’s his name, is he tall?
Never mind tall, he gorgeous, he’s smart, he wears a hat
Ohhh, so it must be basherte…

Shh… be quiet! Uh, what were you saying? Give me his name and I’ll make my enquiries and I’ll call you back.
Mom…
Shh… ah, huh, ah, huh, ah, huh, thank you so much Shprintze, you just have a knack.
Mom.. I don’t know….
Ahhhh, Shaifele, remember this, always…..

Every time you go out, I bake a cake
Yes, every time you leave the house, with a boy who could be the one
A cake…. I make.
After all, if he’s the one, then a few more dates… and cakes and the vort is done!
But if he’s not the one, by any means
And you come home looking like you want to scream
Keep in mind my dear sweet child,

Each bad date is just another cake for the freezer
Each one means the vort is closer at hand
You see, each bad date means the freezers getting fuller
And we’re one step closer to choosing the band!

But when your basherte comes, make no mistake…
He’ll thaw out your heart, and I’ll thaw out the cakes!

(Oh, where was I? Uh, oh, he asked me a question…)
Well, what do you think?
Hmm, oh, I totally agree…

(He looks confused, what did I say?
I must have answered wrong or he wouldn’t look that way
Like a dead cow in a field, surrounded with flies
Who doesn’t know he’s dead or why, there are so many flies…)

But what about ironing socks? My mother always irons my socks. Even when I was in Yeshiva, I would send my mother my socks and she’d iron them for me. I like ironed socks. I think they just feel better on my feet.
Ummm…
(His feet! Do I really want to think about his feet?)

I knew from the moment I saw him that this –would- not- go –well
From the second I stepped into my living room and saw him
I could tell
That it would not go well

There he was, this black hatted guy, just standing there,
Not knowing just how many hours I spent on my hair
Or how I how I’d fussed over what to wear
Not that he’d care, it just wasn’t fair

But it’s not that I’m only attracted to tall
It’s just that he was really very small
Which, unfortunately doesn’t do me at all
I kept looking behind him to see
If his other half would join him eventually…
But it never did

I believe that chulent is the key to Sholom Bayis…
Mmmm…. I never thought of that
(He’s smiling and he has something in his teeth
Ewww. It’s green. We’re not even eating out. This is a hotel lobby. The last time he must have had something to munch….
Must’ve been lunch. Ewww.)
How much longer will this last?
When can I put this in my past?
But just then my mothers words come to haunt me.
She said;

Each bad date is just another cake for the freezer
Each one means the vort is closer at hand
You see, each bad date means the freezers getting fuller
And we’re one step closer to choosing the band!

But when your bashert comes, make no mistake…
He’ll thaw out your heart, and I’ll thaw out the cakes!

Never mind that we have five freezers and counting
And that the electricity bills are mounting
And although for Mr Right I absolutely, positively yearn
By the time he arrives
All the cakes will have severe freezer burn

So, I’m sitting here in my nicest dress
With the lovely pin on my lapel
Talking about socks and chulent,
Though I could care less
Feeling quite… distressed

And so the time arrives- he takes me home
I’m home! I’m home! I’m home at last!
I thank him for what I don’t really know
One thing for sure- I won’t miss the little gnome
With his slightly crossed eyes and green bits in his teeth
But never mind he’s in the past
After all;

Each bad date is just another cake for the freezer
Each one means the vort is closer at hand
You see, each bad date means the freezers getting fuller
And we’re one step closer to choosing the band!

But when my bashert comes, make no mistake…
He’ll thaw out my heart, and Mom’ll thaw out the cakes!

Nebech, mom is waiting at the kitchen table
She looks at me with questioning eyes
Her hopes and dreams and all they imply
And I hold back as much as I’m able
As I stare at a beautifully high hazelnut torte
And tell her that just yet- there'll be no vort
La, la, la, la dee da, la, la la dee da, laaaaaaaa!
Have a GREAT summer!!!!





60 Comments:

At 10:18 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

Thank you Kasamba!

When you put things like that, it's not so bad, I may just get through the winter because of that song!

(Except for this part that made me shudder (b/c I know all too well...): "But it’s not that I’m only attracted to tall
It’s just that he was really very small
Which, unfortunately doesn’t do me at all
I kept looking behind him to see
If his other half would join him eventually…
But it never did"
)

Have a great summer and a safe trip!
We'll miss you :)

 
At 11:01 AM, Blogger Pragmatician said...

So you're saying that owning a smaller freezer is good for Shudduchim?
Oh my we've got two!!

 
At 11:24 AM, Blogger kishmech said...

haha very funny......only have a small freezer.....any more than than and you're obliged to bake and fill it.


Have a fantastic summer and do some R and R for us staying in England....although the way things are going it may be hotter here.

xx

 
At 12:49 PM, Blogger notahottie said...

so funny! enjoy your summer! maybe i'll see you around!

 
At 1:29 PM, Blogger THECOLDMAN said...

HAVE A GOOD SUMMER,I HAVE 3 FREEZERS

 
At 1:46 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

Sarah:
Have a great summer as well!

Prag:
AHA!
Start filling them now!

Kish:
I'll be thinking of all my fellow brittians!!!!

Notahottie:
I'd love to see you but how will I know who you are? Do you mind wearing a red carnation every time you go out?

the coldman:
LOL! I bet you do!!!!

 
At 3:34 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

Say it ain't so
What am i gonna do all do without your blog????
I that song the shidduch offices theme song???
smashing song!!
i'll look you up when i head up north iy'h

 
At 3:36 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

 
At 5:25 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

come down south i can get you private office with fast internet...
"dodgy"?? LOL you've been in UK too long!!!

 
At 7:16 PM, Blogger torontopearl said...

Enjoy your trip and sojourn in the U.S.

Track some more of your mother's speech patterns for us, why don't you!?

L'hitraot.

 
At 8:58 PM, Blogger anonym00kie said...

have a great summer - im so gonna miss your blog..
btw i think im the only one who didnt laugh at that song :)
its brilliant.. but not funnnny at all..
oooooof.. how many more cakes!!?!

 
At 9:12 PM, Blogger the only way i know said...

Kasamaba my dearest, how i will miss you!!!!!!!!!!
i think this song is worth it's weight in torte cakes ... five freezers worth!
looking forward to hear the things you have up your sleeve after the summer...

a comment to Mookie - may you meet your zivug and recognize him as the right one REAL SOON!

Limey -
I don't know about 'dodgy' - but 'cheeky' comes to mind!!!

 
At 10:31 PM, Blogger Karl said...

As always, great post - and I can relate to the freezer! Have a great summer vacation!

 
At 11:00 PM, Blogger TRW said...

Excellent!

Thank you for the literazation (or something...) of my feelings ;)

Grrrrr....

m00k - I'm with you hoping...

 
At 11:54 PM, Blogger Chana said...

Quick - whisper in my inbox where you'll be, on the off-chance it's near ME!! :)

 
At 12:05 AM, Blogger Okee said...

Kasamba, NO!! Don't leave me!! Where will I find laughter and humor and all the forces of good without you're terrific typing?? Where? Where?


Fine. I'll reread your whole blog over and over. Fine! Look at what you've reduced me to. Soooo saaaaaad.


By the way, brilliant song!! Makes me think of all the dates I've been on that I woulda prefered staying home and baking my own cake and then eating the whole thing by myself because the date was THAT bad. ... yep.

Bon voyage, and don't forget your sunblock. (the sun actually shines sometimes in the U.S., remember?)

 
At 2:27 AM, Blogger Bonnie B said...

Kasamba-- what will I do? I have a very small freezer and three girls! Plus, the only cake i make that is sure to get a date is my carrot cake and it takes two-and- half days!

I will miss you.

 
At 2:30 AM, Blogger workingema said...

Kasamba!
Really funny- but, wow you must have good memory to remember how you're dates were and what you felt!
oh!! nononononono!! You're that OLD! It's just that.. well... you have a 17 yr old son and all...:o)

Hope to get to see you in the USA??
I could probably pick you out of a crowd by the song you'll be singing...:o)

Hey, maybe make a blogger bbq!! I'll sponsor!

 
At 2:30 AM, Blogger workingema said...

Enjoy youR VK!!!!

 
At 3:08 AM, Blogger Shopaholic said...

Welcome to New York Kasamba! Yay! Eat drink and be merry, for after you gotta go back to England....

Gonna miss your posts though...

 
At 3:20 AM, Blogger notahottie said...

i'm very noticable. i'm the one who looks like she's pregnant but really isn't except now i really am! (this news just released on my blog!) anyway, isn't it cool that we might pass right by each other and never know...

 
At 4:41 AM, Blogger Ezzie said...

Nu, so are you going to come visit? :)

 
At 6:34 AM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

OH no not yet come to my blog and see you can't go yet. You need one more post. You are tagged in my meme oh me oh my don't go.

 
At 6:34 AM, Blogger cruisin-mom said...

kasamba, have a great vacation...I will miss your whimsicle, thoughtful, funny, wonderful posts (not to mention your ever-faithful comments)...have a safe, satisfying trip!

 
At 8:18 AM, Blogger RR said...

Ditto to what Cruisin Mom said :-)

Loved your swan song- especially the part about having 5 freezers- LOL!!!!

Have a fantastic summer!

 
At 1:22 PM, Blogger The Next Contender said...

Enjoy your holiday :)

We'll see you back soon(ish).

 
At 3:26 PM, Blogger Scraps said...

Oh my, you do certainly know how to go out with a bang. We'll miss ya, dear--come back soon!

 
At 3:44 PM, Blogger David_on_the_Lake said...

We will definitely miss you...

 
At 8:58 PM, Blogger Lisa said...

funny :-) haven't we all had dates like that huh...?
Have a great summer and enjoy yourself, see you soon.

 
At 11:51 PM, Blogger chaverah said...

come back soon :(

 
At 12:25 AM, Blogger PsychoToddler said...

Kasamba--do what I did when I visited my folks:

Sneak out and find a library with internet access!

Guerilla blogging lives!

 
At 7:56 AM, Blogger Lvnsm27 said...

Have a nice vacation. We will miss you.

 
At 10:32 AM, Blogger exsemgirl said...

So that's why my mother has 5 freezers and counting! I could never figure it out!!
Uh oh...I guess I should go check how full they are before my next one...

Seriously though why the hell you need five freezers year round has been totally beyond me. Thanks for enlightening me!
Have a great holiday! London'll miss ya!

 
At 6:41 PM, Blogger Amishav said...

Hi Kasamba- glad that you are having a good summer- even if England has to do water rationing. we do it from time to time here in Denver too- you'll get used to it.

Sorry I was gone for so long- I'm looking forward to hearing from you when you get back-
A.

 
At 3:39 AM, Blogger FrumGirl said...

Enjoy your vacation, Kasamba... enjoy the USA but dont think we arent frying here! See you in the fall!

 
At 7:28 PM, Blogger Chana said...

Kasamba!!

I miss you, and right now you're thousands of miles closer to me than you were before!!

Get some Internet access!! LOL!!!!

 
At 5:18 AM, Blogger Frum but Thinking said...

You are the best!

For sure the funniest!

Have a great summer!

 
At 12:34 AM, Blogger ~ Sarah ~ said...

I don't know if you are checking your blog or messages but I had an interesting email forwarded to me today: your poem from this post! It's famous beyond the blogosphere!! ;)

 
At 6:14 PM, Blogger Jack's Shack said...

Just came to say hi.

 
At 8:47 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

11 days till football starts!!!!!!!

 
At 5:44 AM, Blogger Moiy-rah said...

i would love to read teh song, but i think songs are to be sung. so when you give me the tune, or sing it, i'll go back to it, k?

i'm so excited your comming to the US of A.

maybe you'll sing it to me in person.

-shvest

 
At 3:15 PM, Blogger Limey2001 said...

did you buy the rooney book?

 
At 4:40 AM, Blogger Bonnie B said...

just dropped in to remind you I miss you

 
At 3:11 PM, Blogger socialworker/frustrated mom said...

Can't wait for you to come back!

 
At 3:37 AM, Blogger Eshet Chayil said...

ahhhhhhhhhhh come backkkkk

 
At 10:45 AM, Blogger student said...

im missing u!! how long is ur hol??? (too long ;$)

 
At 12:51 AM, Blogger the only way i know said...

WELCOME HOME BLOGGING QUEEN.
THE RED CARPET AWAITS....
MAKE YOUR GRAND ENTRANCE..
WE ARE WAITING WITH BATED BREATH...
SENDING LIGHT AND LOVE YOUR WAY...
TOWIK

 
At 10:47 AM, Blogger student said...

I second towik!!!
Good Shabbas

 
At 6:28 PM, Blogger Bonnie B said...

I saw you posted on Only way i how -- welcome back!!!! I am so happy you are home

 
At 11:47 PM, Blogger kasamba said...

HELLO Y'ALL!!!!
I've missed you all sooooo much!!!!
I've read every one of your thoughtful comments and I really thank you for them!

I feel really bad about not answering each one personally now, I'll try to do it later because I want to visit all your blogs!!!!!!!

 
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